On being treated for depression – Is it something I really want

image

I’m undergoing treatment for depression, I have pills, I have a therapist as well, but I got to thinking this morning, perhaps I want to be depressed. Over the last five and a half years I’ve had difficulty doing stuff.

Predominantly it’s dealing with my wife and children and that extends outwards to the rest of the world. Somehow, I have this notion that we should work together and push down our own wants and needs for the greater good of the family. I also feel like I don’t get heard saying these thing, we should sublimate ourselves for the long term good.

There is too much no in our family, I do things that are asked of me that I don’t like. But it’s presented to me that, that is what’s needed and then later I find out that even though I’ve done my part, my wife has done something contrary to her own request. It very frustrating and very confusing

So anyway I got to thinking this morning, perhaps this is what I actually want, a just getting by, a hand to mouth existence. I know I’m suffering from depression  but I wonder if I’m letting depression get the better of me or that depression is what I want and this type of life is what I’ve created because subconsciously it is what I want.

Since I started this blog, which was an attempt to create an orderly well functioning family it’s gone to hell in a handcart. Children  are the real issue, they eat your time, eat your resources and take away your freedom to act. Especially when they get stroppy because they want their own way and you try to explain and they get more bloody-minded and strop more, until your at your wits end because a simple task like putting your damn coat on, causes you berves to fray and you want to lash out. Yet that brings even more problems, you end up with an emotional hangover because you know what everyone has done is wrong. It hasn’t been orderly and sensible.

I find now I have that situation everywhere I go and with everything I do, I’m constantly left with frustration because nothing appears to be sensible anymore. As I was walking home, the telecoms people have the road dug up, so there is only a narrow path. I saw a woman walking towards me I altered my course so that we wouldn’t bump into one another and there was enough space and she tutted about it. Further along two pissed East European blokes did the same.

Maybe my depression is making me over sensitive, maybe I should be more self-centered and not bother, but I feel that if I go down that route  I end up making the world a little worse off.

So what can I do? Frankly I have no idea, but I have to do something and somehow I have to get my family to buy in, not only in words but by deeds to.

Advertisements

Unemotional sex is by and far worse than a sexless relationship

I’m enjoying watching the Night Manager (the only time I’ve actively sought out a BBC show in 15 years), but there was a scene in episode 4 where our Chameleon Protagonist Johnathon/Thomas/Andrew shaged the American woman partner of Roper against a wall (sorry that’s not mention to be sexust I find the actors portrail of the female character to be insipid and unmemorable). It was empty, gratuitous vapid sex. An unzipping of the trousers, a lift of a skirt and thump, thump, thump squirt (him not her), done. It was a perfunctory add to the episode, the story would be much better if the worthless scene showing the male actors arse was implied rather than shown.

This year myself and DW have fucked intermittently, it’s week eleven and we’ve only done it around 20 times, just a little over three times a week (period time has knocked a couple of weeks). Last night’s has left me feeling a bit empty, we did it in the dark, vanilla missionary, she didn’t get into me going down in her and even though I could feel her tightness gripping me he warm soft interior (with the occasional hard bump against her cervix), it felt spark-less. This has left me feeling sad-bad. For all of our ups and downs, sex has remained consistently good – there has always been a passion in what we do.

Often I come across blogs where someone is complaint about a sexless marriage and how unfair it is, or because of the sexless nature of it, it becomes an Ashley Madison excuse. That annoys me no end, whybfoes it annoy me? Because, it’s down to me to find the way to out the spark into it. Talking with DW, she was saying that her bits were feeling a bit stubbly and she didn’t get her head into the right space to enjoy it. Still, it makes me feel rotten that I wasn’t doing enough to get her off. But that’s just people, sometimes your just not up for it.

This is one of the things that really gets to me about PUA’s and men’s gripesters, neither group seems tho be that interested in their partners wants needs and feelings. Like the scene in the Night Manager gratuitous empty sec adds nothing.

yes your tired because of the high intensity negative emotions

Every day it’s the same frustrated and angry, negative high intensity. It wears you out. The complexities and difficulties of the day just bear down on you and when it comes to the end of the day, you are dog tired. That tiredness reduces your inhibitions, and causes you to express yourself in a negative high intensity way. Basically you explode with rage, well that’s how I intetpretated the first few paragraphs of this HBR article.

My anger and frustrations today.

Frustration 1. 8am tried to ring for doctors appointment 12 calls in 9 minutes because even though they’re supposed to be open at 8am their not. Then several engaged calls, because there is one person answering final through only to be no appointments because the 1 doctor has taken a sick day and no replacement.

Frustration 2. The way people weave about on the pavement. I don’t think I walk quickly, but obviously I do, then its people crowding and stopping in shop doorways, and not understanding change on the bus.

Actually as I write this I’ve had a minimal frustrating angry day. Most days I’m angry because of my wife’s drinking and hyper behaviour. Today she didn’t behave that way. And yet, I’m feeling freaked because she’s not drunk or manic, its difficult to handle.

For the last three years we’ve lived in a high intensity negative world.

Maybe a long spell of low intensity positive may help.

Abusing abuse, When the concept of abuse is used by a manipulator

Relationships are filled with abuse of one form or another and sometimes it’s hard to make out what actually is going on.

Sometimes there are clear cut cases mainly because the abuser is a narcissist and without investigating further its pretty obvious.

In some situations it’s so much harder to work out, especially if one part if the abuse cycle isn’t honest, self accountable or transparent.

Three years ago I was arrested for punching my wife in the face. So there at a high level I’m a domestic abuser and violent  Fine, I accept what I did wrong and I accept that the way I delt with the situation that lead to it was wrong.

For years my wife has been abusing our money. it’s a shared resource, its shared between me, her, and two children. Add in there are other entities in the ‘relationship’, bills, expenses, the roof over our head. So we look at it two ways, I see it as “ours” basically a shareing of our shared resource. She sees it as “mine” as in hers.

This causes a real mismatch in how money is handled for the good of all of us.

Just before the punch in the face, she’d got herself into a real financial mess and then dumped on me to fix. She was in full denial, just wouldn’t openly accept what she’d done and took no steps to fix it.

What an absolutely terrible person she is.

So she went along to a domestic violence victims group, where they gave her the space to convince herself that she was being financially abused by me because I was sorting out the problem she’d dumped on me. If I was wired differently I should have walked away from her problems, letting her sort them out. Instead, I placed myself in harms way.

I accept I did the wrong thing by punching her, I accept that the way I went about trying to sort stuff out looks like financial abuse. I’ve made so many mistakes over how I’ve managed this situation. It’s basically been down to wanting to do the right thing for all of us.

But all its done is to make me angrier because no matter what I do, we don’t do it together.

So here we are two toxic people together, now how do we clean up this toxic mess and create a environment that allows healthy behaviours to thrive?

If sex is still meaningful, does that means that there is meaning in the relationship

There does seem to be a trend in posts about sexless marriages and it does strike me as odd, that there is no physical intimacy and little in the way of emotional intimacy, yet they keep on together. What I find interesting is that irrespective of gender the gripes tend to be the same.

It give me cause to think about the conclusions I can draw from this. It’s either lots if weird odd men pretending  to be their partners. It’s quite common believe me, I had a mate who used to pretend to be a woman on dating sites and I’m lead to bekuce that’s very common too. Or that both sexes feel the same about sexless marriages.

Anyway, so far this year we’ve had sex five times, plus an additional snoggy gropes which involve handjobs or bits caressing. For all of the turmoil that goes on in our marriage we’re still into the physicals of a relationship.

Sometimes, I wonder is that because I’m too pushy for it and all I want is to go down, be sucked and then enter her. You know completely selfish about it, but I don’t think that’s the case. I like to see her enjoy sex as much as I do and I feel quite disgusted with myself if I think she’s caved in to pestering. Also when she’s flatly said “no, I don’t want to do it”, I’ve accepted that and not persuade further.

Perhaps it’s down to a skewed mindset of mine, that I have thus hidden vekife that people in a relationship should have to say that they want it, its intrinsically known by your partner. It used to be a kiss on the back of the neck a cuddle and our clothes would be strewn everywhere. Now we have children we have to be mindful of their privacy and right not to see it happening.

As I pondered in my title, is there meaning to this, because we have consensual sex (ok with a bit of badgering from me from time to time), foes that nesn that for all our faults that there still is deep meaning in our relationship.

“How do you feel about me?”, my gut tells my head and the answer is “I want to make love to you”

I read this post by Katrina at yala.wordpress. com. I’d made a comment because I’m a firm believer in gut instincts and gut feelings. Many times in the past I’ve listened to my gut, one in particular was when I was a senior manager of the web development department of major UK High Street retailer. I’d been tasked in taking there web presence from absolutely nothing to something (this was in the late 90’s). I’d handed my notice in and working my last month, when I was called in to see CEO, CMO, and CIO. Jointly they made me an offer, each would give me a tax free personal gift of a lot of money, a big pay rise, a non performance related bonus plus use of the company executive jet to fly me to another city and back at the weekends (was dating someone there, but it wasn’t serious).

My gut responded and the first words that came out of my mouth was no, I turned down a dream offer, a golden snare, even by today’s standards. The acceptance of it would be too much and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I’d said yes.

Today, I had another gut response, for all of the ups and downs in our marriage, my wife asked me today; “How do you feel about me”. As soon as she said that, the only thought about how I feel about her is ” I want to make love to you”.

Think about that statement, I’m a horn dog, I’m sex obsessed. I love fucking in all its forms, but my initial response was “make love” not fuck or anything related to that. Fucking is good but making love to another human being is a deep expression of feeling. It’s meaningful.

So I introspected for a bit and self analysed what my gut had told my mind. She kept on asking for a reply as I was thinking and then I told her exactly the words I’d used to talk to myself. We chatted about it for a while before we then went off to the bedroom.

I could describe what happened next, but it was pretty much like our early days but without the vigour that we could muster from being 12 years younger. It was nice, she orgasmed, I orgasmed, it was nice and sensuous.

So perhaps we’ve had a turning point.

More on being toxic

Yesterday, I talked about accountability and the steps needed to be able to hold yourself accountable and to be mindful.

Today, I’m going to explore the future as changes we make now will affect us in the future. So what I’m starting to understand is that there two branches of mindfulness, being mindful now, the present mindfulness and mindful future.

It is rather like Wilde’s a Christmas Tale, except there are no ghosts to guide us. Rather my own mindfulness. The thing is the ghost of the past continues to haunt the present and it reaches into the future,

What I have endeavoured to do in this blog is to discuss our faults and seek to rectify them. Except this summer we were caught unawares and failed miserably.

So far, the repairs seem to be working, and as I said yesterday there needs to be a measure to show that this is, in fact, working. Our daughters are appearing to be happier and a lot less troubled.

Now I’m not an advocate of staying together for the good if the children, because if things still remain bad then the children will be reacting to that badness, if things become good (as they seem to be) then the children will be better. So they become the acid test of the measure.

I’m pretty mindful that we have to work hard at it and not skip back into bad ways. One of my big concern’s is my wife’s difficulty in communicating her own needs  which ends up with her crashing and I react badly.

So I’m being hyper mindful at the moment and even more so being future mindful.