Living with an alcoholic wife, some of the difficulties.

My wife’s drinking is escalating again, this week she’s consumed nearly 100 units of alcohol. Actually 93 units to be absolutely precise, well those are the ones I know about. I can’t remember the last time we had sex with her being sober, probably five years ago when she was pregnant.

I’m stopping being angry about the drinking, it does me no good. She hides from the damage it’s doing to her and the family. I grew up with alcoholic parents, they were much worse than her. Sadly, her alcoholism damages not just her but those around her.

If I was posting this on something like mumsnet, I’d get the casual LTB that is often handed out, but as anyone knows who lives with an alcoholic partner and parent, its bloody tough. Especially as I’m the stay at home parent with no income of my own.

I’d like her to go to AA just so she can have a shared experience of meeting other alcoholics and I’d like her to go back to her alcohol therapy group. She needs to take some responsibility, some understanding of the damage it does and to grow up a little.

Tonight, I’m having difficulties sleeping, she seems to think that by bribing me with a blowjob makes the problem go away. It won’t. My resentment over her alcoholic selfishness, will grow until I loose my temper and snap again. Then we are back to square one. Especially as far as the children are concerned. They are already on a child protection plan cause by me snapping several times last year, one of which culminated with me punching her.

I wish I had a recipe of how to solve this.

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The evidence of lying

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So yesterday, DW claimed to have put £10 on her oyster, given she is a lying alcoholic it’s difficult to believe, yesterday she came home displaying the symptoms of alcohol consumption.

Nonononono, I put all the money on my oyster. Now this is where trust breaks down, I know her lies, I know her behaviour. So I rifled her purse for the oyster receipt, the it was just £5. You lied to me yet again, yet again you lied. Don’t you get it, there is nothing you can say to me that I will believe.

I’ve been asking you for weeks to stop phoning me, what’s the point we don’t communicate with honesty. Today it finally sank in. What you don’t get is that there are times that I do need to communicate something  to you, I nearly locked myself out of the house, luckily the door hadn’t closed properly. I dreaded trying to get hold of you.

Today, I was hit by a car on a pedestrian crossing, the fucker just drove off. The pain in my knee is absolutely intense, but I know there is no point trying to get hold of her, or asking her to pick the kids up.

There is that moment of realisation, that when you live with a narcissistic alcoholic, you are actually totally alone. She’s effectively isolated me by ruining jobs, career and friendships. I really have nothing, no money to escape her, no family to go to. I have a duty and obligation to my children to ensure their safety and well being.

This family is a disaster, the woman is a disaster. As much as I love my children I wish we’d never brought them into this world.

DW hasn’t hit rockbottom, I don’t think she ever will, but she’s made the children and myself hit rockbottom. Soon we’re going to be homeless, I’m trying to sort something out with the council and social services, what will happen to the kids I don’t know. What I do know is that we are making a horrible childhood for them, I don’t want that to happen. I get no help in sorting the problems out from DW. And she doesn’t comprehend that alcohol and lying doesn’t solve anything it just make a bad situation worse.

How do we escape her

What happens when an alcoholic hits rock bottom

This is our story, yours will be different, bet the theme is the same. Rockbottom for an alky, isn’t that hangover from hell. Its the wasteland of life that is created by being addicted to alcohol. Rockbottom, comes way after the blackout drinking binges, it ‘s when an alcoholic realises the enormity of the chaos, that alcoholism brings.

Late last year, my wife sort of accepted she had a problem. She was ordered by social services to attend a clinic, this was part and parcel of a child protection plan we have in place, because of our year from hell.

She attended and duly passed, with the A4 laminated certificate. On the surface she’s getting better, I’m sure most alkies who read this will recognise that phrase, it’s a lie you say to yourself to hide from the depths of your problem.

We hit rockbottom yesterday, in three months time we will be homeless, no where to live, with two young children. It’s made so much worst because on the surface we are very well off. A gross income of GBP 80,000 (USD 134000 CAD 148000 AUD 145000 ), if I go back to work it will double.

Yet because of DW stupidities with money because she had to drink, the ill thought out decisions, like putting the kids into independent school. Alcohol impairs judgement, that’s why its illegal to drink and drive. Yet it’s not illegal to drink and make financial decisions.

We’ve now got pretty poor credit histories, I have as well because I bailed her out and absorbed chunks of her debt. As an example she ran up £6500 worth of unsecured debt, which I paid off, three months later she committed us to  paying for a nanny, where DW paid her well over what she was worth (£40 per hour) because she didn’t think it through, mostly because she was thinking about where her next drink was coming from.

So now we have hit rockbottom, our children have emotional scars which are only going to become worst once we become homeless.

What I don’t think alkies realise is the impact that they have on those around them. They sort of do in the vague sense that it allows them to justify more drinking, but they don’t stop to say to themselves, my actions are actually destroying someone else’s life, how selfish am I just because I’m addicted to a drink that impairs the way I think and my judgement.

I don’t quite know what to do next, we can’t keep on like this. We need help and advice but where to get it from?

Heartbleed, mumsnet and many of the others, could it have been prevented

Simply put: yes.

Poor old mumsnet, getting heartbled. Unlike many others, mumsnet has been one of the most public. This only highlights for me the serious lack of understanding in securing systems. So many companies, once they get to a certain size, are not reactive to network security.

My house for example, is secure as far as the genpop is concerned, the windows are closed, the front and back door is locked, but if someone really wanted to break in they can. Climb over the fence and smash a window for a bruteforce entry. Buy a set of common lockpicks, learn how to pick the most common lock and in you are.

There are even more complicated ways to break in. The vast majority of network and software systems employ exactly the same common use security.

If I’m in the public eye, then I would employ more complex security, employ guards to patrol. Yet in network administration, businesses don’t employ people to patrol the edge of their domain. Why is that?

Reason 1, people are expensive to employ, the reliance on logfiles to check on whose coming and going and then munging them is a reactive way of doing it. By the time a reaction is made by the business the damage is done.

Reason 2 the decision makers don’t truly comprehend the information they are given. I once sat in a meeting, with a security consultant, an enterpise architect, the infrastructure architect and the CIO. The problem was described to the security consultant. He said what the business wanted couldn’t he done easily and custom research and work would have to be done. Everyone nodded and agreed, except my big mouth. I asked the consultant if he had read Thor’s Microsoft Security Bible, published by Syngress. He said no, I then explained that chapter 7 Securing RDP, explains in fine detail how to implement what the company wanted, here I said its in kindle on my phone. Passing it to him with it already loaded at the first page (the meeting name in the company calendar was actually called securing RDP). The security consultant said that’s not right, its not the right way to do it, followed by the fact he didn’t know how to secure Microsoft systems and would have to put a team together to research it. I was given a ticking off after the meeting for being embarrassing to the company. I wasn’t a technical decision maker, but the technical decision makers didn’t know anything about the technicalities, just wanting to be spoonfed an answer.

Reason 3 to much belief the system automation does what is required. If you believe your lock wont get picked because because it uses a secure socket layer and that uses cryptography. Then you are not going to put monitors in place, that will be specifically set to look for incursions to your security systems.

The final point I’m going to raise is that network infrastructure use many parts, my lock is no good if someone knows how to remove the trim around the glass, undo three torx screws, push and pop the glass out.. on every server a company uses, whether physical or virtual, colocated or cloud have many many pieces of software installed, knowing them and understanding them is very specialised and mumsnet fell foul of that complexity.

Weird thing kids want to eat

Presently DD2 is alternating between chunks of sugar and and pickle slices. Weird, but then I’ve just done the same and it’s not a bad combination on the pallet, pulpy, chewy sweet sugarcane followed by sour, briny squidgy pickle. Odd but flavoursome.

We had an incident with a lentil weaving, mumsnet Islington mum at Stratford Queen Elizabeth park. Her little shit of a son, grabbed DD2 by the arm and swung her into a pond, I told
him off. DD1 swung into action and pointed out his mum, she went over told her what had happened and said that he had to apologise. I had noticed this woman because she was deep in conversation with another lentil weaver gassing about medicinal herbs (my take on that, a lot of very clever people have invested a lot time, money and effort into drugs – so I’m taking them).

She came over and told not to be naughty and to say sorry, the little shit said no. So I looked at her and said, “Look, you lazy bitch, if you haden’t been yakking with your stupid whore mates and kept an eye on what he was up to, you wouldn’t be here now eh! He’s a nasty piece of work”. She harumphed, said my daughter was much politer than I was. I went “Yeh! She’s learnt to respect people, but I can’t respect poor parenting like yours”.

That’s going to end up as a mumsnet AIBU tonight. I really dislike, middle class socialist lentil weaving mumsnet fuckers here in London. I bet he goes to montessori in the hope he’ll pass an exam to a grammar school.

Enthusiastic mutual agreement, the democratic marriage and the meaning of no

DW has this tendency to do two things railroad me into something and deciding without consulting.

Today she has done something that I seriously disagree with. Got too involved with a work colleague and volunteered me to do something without really discussing it.

If this was mumsnet, and I had done the above, she would be getting a resounding YABU for it. Yet here I’m going to be in the wrong. She really hasn’t got how much any form of trust has been eroded after her last EA with a work colleague.

Now, I feel she’s doing the same again, so many times in the past she’s signed me up for something that I’ve reluctantly gone along with. Yet here we are I say no and still she tries to cajole me into it.

I don’t know if its her poor use of English (even though she’s a native of this country), if she is just a passive aggressive bully or just isn’t prepared to listen to me.

Since the year of hell, I’ve decided not to go along with what she forces me to do, if she isn’t prepared to negotiate with me anr learn from her past mistakes with me we don’t stand much of a chance at best a bitter miserable unhappy marriage.

Getting them to school, kids and the complexity of the school run

Another morning and another school run. It’s a simple and complicated procedure. Depending on what time they fell asleep, decides the mood they’ll wake up in. DD1 makes this really horrible squeeling noise when you wake her up. It’s horrible, its like dry chalk on a blackboard. Then she starts refusing to go to school. DD2 is much better at waking up, less grumpy and miserable. Recently, she’s taken to waking at seven rather than the half five she’s been doing over winter.

Still, got them dressed, gave them food and drink, let them watch some TV then it’s off to catch the bus. Some mornings it can be a difficult two minute walk. Today wasn’t bad. Then to the Tube station, that can be a bit hairy, mainly due to the commuter crowd, most people in London don’t give a fuck about their fellow travellers and push shove and jostle their way into a station and on to the tube.

So we’re on the tube, then while I’m reading a bit of the metro, DD2 grabs it wanting to look at the comics. It was really annoying, it would be great if primary school kids could learn patience, but I guess that won’t come until they are older (only 13 years to go and I can pack both of them off to the Army, university, work) .

So we had a bit of a sulk and a strop. It makes you feel really guilty about a being a bad parent when the throw a wobbler on public transport, you really feel like you’re being judged. Also you don’t want a mumsnet lentil weaver posting about the shit dad, or some one youtubing it and it going viral.

That’s the tough thing now-a-days, not only do you feel that you’re being scrutinised you can be scrutinised now too.