“How do you feel about me?”, my gut tells my head and the answer is “I want to make love to you”

I read this post by Katrina at yala.wordpress. com. I’d made a comment because I’m a firm believer in gut instincts and gut feelings. Many times in the past I’ve listened to my gut, one in particular was when I was a senior manager of the web development department of major UK High Street retailer. I’d been tasked in taking there web presence from absolutely nothing to something (this was in the late 90’s). I’d handed my notice in and working my last month, when I was called in to see CEO, CMO, and CIO. Jointly they made me an offer, each would give me a tax free personal gift of a lot of money, a big pay rise, a non performance related bonus plus use of the company executive jet to fly me to another city and back at the weekends (was dating someone there, but it wasn’t serious).

My gut responded and the first words that came out of my mouth was no, I turned down a dream offer, a golden snare, even by today’s standards. The acceptance of it would be too much and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I’d said yes.

Today, I had another gut response, for all of the ups and downs in our marriage, my wife asked me today; “How do you feel about me”. As soon as she said that, the only thought about how I feel about her is ” I want to make love to you”.

Think about that statement, I’m a horn dog, I’m sex obsessed. I love fucking in all its forms, but my initial response was “make love” not fuck or anything related to that. Fucking is good but making love to another human being is a deep expression of feeling. It’s meaningful.

So I introspected for a bit and self analysed what my gut had told my mind. She kept on asking for a reply as I was thinking and then I told her exactly the words I’d used to talk to myself. We chatted about it for a while before we then went off to the bedroom.

I could describe what happened next, but it was pretty much like our early days but without the vigour that we could muster from being 12 years younger. It was nice, she orgasmed, I orgasmed, it was nice and sensuous.

So perhaps we’ve had a turning point.

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Another issue with separation

This is a thing I’m having a real difficulty with. Over the last eleven years I’ve been joined to the hip with DW. Now that we are separating the contact between us is now very difficult.

I’ve become tremendously needy, I don’t know how I’ve got here, I guess its been the isolation over the last few years, little or no friend, no family outside of my immediate family. I’ve been so used to DW company, to talking with her normally, being a sounding board for problems and having arguments over issues I have no one else to turn to for loving support and guidance.

It’s tough but I have to come to terms with my feelings. At this moment I’m at home with my eldest as she’s a bit sick. DW took our youngest to school and I was expecting her an hour ago to come back home. So I started to get worked up. What’s going in, where is she, what’s she’s up to, has she taken money from the bank account. Then I suddenly remembered that she mentioned in passing that she was having coffee with another mum. Now I’m starting to get over myself, with that memory realisation.

I think I’m now confronting the real difficulty with separation, our day to day knowledge of each other will fade to a distant memory and we’ve been a big part of each others lives from the get go.

Somehow, I’m going to have to find a way to fill that void. So this is a sort of separation depression. I guess right now because I’ve identified it, I can start to manage it.

Maybe I have to add random alerts to my phone to remind me go be mindful of all these things.

So this is a good one… This helps me.

One little moment if reflection I’ve just had is my sadness that we’ve not had a family holiday for over five years.

I’ll miss her as someone to confide in, I really will, since my grandmother died who always was someone for me to confide in before DW came into my life. At that point my grandmother felt she could let go and that’s what happened until she died. Now I have no one, except the children and at 6 & 9, that just ain’t going to happen.

As a side note DW gas stopped reading  my blog, I have mixed feelings about that, this was often a good medium to express my feelings towards her, sometimes hurtful, sometimes painful, sometimes happy, loving and supporting, but I found it often a way to get thing across in a non confrontational way.

I am sorry that we have come to an end, we do need distance and others. I’ve got to climb out if my inward turningness and move on.

The rocky path to separation

It’s been a while since I posted, life has had it’s downs and downers. I got a new job I quit the new job, it wasn’t a good fit for either parties.

Anyway, things have become very bad between DW and I, so we’ve decided to separate. It’s not a good thing, its not a bad thing, its just the way it has to be from now.

Creating a support network for the kids us my main concern, I don’t really have a vision of how the separation will look once it’s happened. I’m not angry or bitter towards DW. I don’t know her feelings – I’d like to, so that I can change and alter for the better, for her good and for the children’s good. But, there y’go, it’s happening.

I have bought into the concept of separation and now believe it’s for the best, I personally am unsure as to whether it will be trial or permanent. I think the latter myself, once I’ve adjusted to being on my own then I can start being myself, doing what I want, manage money better and generally move forwards.

I don’t know how the separation will look with shared care, frankly I’m very confused by the shared care, but I’ve reached out spoken to some agencies and charities and I’m starting to get my head around it.

How it will be for DD1 & DD2 I don’t know, but I do know that I can be supportive and listen and try to do things proper. I hope DW has an OK time with this, I think some of her ideas aren’t correct but I discovered that there is mediation and hopefully that will get the shared care on the right track.

Frankly, I don’t know what’s going on as far as she is concerned, there are a lot of mixed signals. So mixed up in fact we ended up having sex last night (she was really keen to have anal too which is a really mixed signal). It wasn’t my intention, we’ve nearly had sex since I took the new job, I was just trying to show a little affection and be OK with her, my intend was to show that no matter what my desire for her is still as fresh as when we first met.

So where do I go from here? I have some ideas regarding what OK have to do, get a job, get a place to stay. Prepare for the children staying. Work my job and lifestyle into the care arrangements. Move forwards.

Really, truth be told I want away from the lot of them and refind myself. I’m not sure that will occur as I’m a total flake.

Things I do know:
Find job
Find accommodation
Be mindful of all the stressors.
Be mindful
Be supportive
Recover myself.

What I don’t know:
What she wants
What the children want
How to go about giving as much as I can with leaving myself unattended.
What my job will look like
What my accommodation will be.

After the main stress that this week has brought about I now feel tired and refreshed. I’m calling the Samaritans a lot, I’m going to rejoin AlAnon. I’m talking to people and I’m being as open an as honest as I can be. I think a large dose of transparency is needed from me. I know my side of the boundary between DW and I where that boundary is I’m not quite sure of. I have to admit I don’t know what’s on her side of the boundary and I’m not going to look. That’s her world.

I do wish her happiness and in time can find someone to connect with and give her the support and care she really needs and not make the mistakes I did. I started this week off terrified of what the outcome was going to be, become a rough sleeper again. In actual fact I’m now looking forward to it, maybe meet someone new, discover them see how they integrate into my and the girls world if that happens. Get a new job and try to make it work, get a new place. And reconnect with happiness.

Hey that would be good!

UPDATE.
I don’t really know how nuts this is, but I know my wife reads my blog, yet even sitting next to me as I’m reviewing the stats going “wow it’s amazing that so many people read my blog” she makes no comment that she’s read what I’ve put.

I guess now I’ve got a complete picture, about how to move forwards. It’ll completely be one-sided. It’s sad that it’ll be this way. I know amicable doesn’t include the words open, honest and transparent, which is sad. And we will end as closed, biased and opaque as ever. I think this is how bitterness begins.

Morning love letter number 5

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Another one of my morning love letters, there is a purpose to all this. I realised some time back that s relationship just doesn’t happen, it requires work and effort. If I don’t put that work and effort in then I get little in return, we just coast.

Anyway here’s today’s

When I wake my first thoughts turn to you, even though we share the same bed my minds eye conjours pictures and memories of you.

We lie side by side, you asleep, I feel the warmth e emanating from your body and the soft touch of your skin.

I think about the times we are awake naked and in bed and the visible effect your beauty has on me.

I love you naked, the curves of your body are so beautiful, I want you so much. Every day I wake to the thought of you surrounding me with your inner warmth and a vision of you naked.

I love you, I want you.

A Tuesday morning love letter

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Things are going to get a bit tough for us. My wife DW lost her job yesterday, her tosspot of a boss didn’t like the idea she was taking time off because of a broken arm. Then again he is a hugely fat ugly white south African bore who would look down her cleavage and try to look up her skirt (he also would ring at inappropriate times like 9:30 on a Saturday evening… Hmmn!). So he didn’t get what he wanted so invented a reason to sack her. Zero day contracts who wants them.

So it’s time for me to pack up self and try to be as supportive as I can.

I think of us and a feeling of warmth films me, when we came together neither of us knew where we were headed.

Years later I can see we are on a path to where we want to be. Even when things became difficult and we did things that became difficult for each other, we stayed together and became stronger. Now there are difficulties on the horizon and I know we will be together to make it work.

I always knew that we would be together and we will make it through.

Thank you for being you and being with me.

I love you with all my heart.

A Sunday morning love letter

I’ve taken to writing little billet-doux to my wife DW. A little while back I got to thinking about the mess that our marriage had become at times, the mistakes I made, the mistakes she made and the mistakes we made together. I thought long and hard about it and realised that it doesn’t take ”two to tango” once a relationship is underway, it takes one to make it work. If my opinions and behaviours had been different in the past the the small irritations wouldn’t have become big problems.

So now I’ve decided to change things up a little, push my irritants to one side as I’m bigger and better than that. I asked myself a question? Do I want to be known as the grumpy angry partner, making my wife and children’s lives miserable because it has to be my way? I’m not entitled to a relationship, its not given to me on a plate just because I feel I deserve something. So here is number two in the billet-doux that I’m writing to my wife.

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Dearest Darling,
As we get older and become more used to each other, we share the same hopes, dreams and fears and often know what the other thinks without asking.
Sometimes we irritate each other, maybe take the other for granted, but once in a while I meditate on it and realise how lucky I am to share my life with the greatest woman ever.
I love you and every time I put my arms around you I feel that I belong with someone and am home.

Defining my relationship with my wife

ChapterTK posed this, which I think is an exceptional piece of writing. In it she made some statements which in-topic but to the left of the main discourse, I’m going to take those statements and use them.

How did you know you loved your partner?
Love is complex, I don’t have any illusions that I actually know what it is, what it feels like or what it should be. There was never any love in my family growing up, no affection per say other than the odd tickling from my grandmother and mostly we didn’t like one another.

I know the moment I laid eyes on this odd, gawky, very pretty, nervous, young woman at an Archeology conference of all things. My first sight of her wasn’t her entirety (although it probably was), rather the odd way she was holding a cup of tea, and then her hippy patchwork waist coat (I guess she thought she was dressing the part). I found her immensely attractive, her looks and her thoughts. I was totally taken by her.

We kept vaguely in contact, every few years we would bump into one another, dated very briefly, but I would often think about her (often while I was fucking someone else), wonder what she was doing. I tried to seek her out on three occasions, first two were total fails. But it definitely was third time lucky. We both signed up for friends reunited at roughly the same time, her fortunately a bit in advance of me, I saw her name, paid the fees and contacted.

We email spoke to one another sporadically from that point, in one email she sent me her new telephone number. Not long after that, I was feeling a bit lonely and I made the call. We spoke, she invited me to visit her (she was living and working in Crete), I needed a holiday. I bought the tickets and went. We’ve been together ever since that point.

Did I fall in love? Yes, and I have to qualify it with “guess so”.  I grew up in an emotionally cold family, I don’t think I know what love is. I know I never want to be apart from my wife and daughters, I’ll always care for them and want to see them achieve happiness, I know that if it’s for their emotional wellbeing that I would have to leave and not be part of their life’s, then even though it would be a wrench I would do it for them. For their good, for their safety, for their happiness but I don’t want that to happen.

Interesting, that I even think or talk like that, my stepfather was a paranoid schizophrenic alcoholic and he had to be taken away from my mother and I, so it’s obviously ingrained that I should put them over my self as my stepfather didn’t and had to be sectioned.

Actually, I realise I haven’t answered the question.  How do I know? Because she is an intrinsic part of my life.

How long have you been together?
We met 21 years ago, but have been a couple for under eleven years.

What is the most romantic thing your partner has ever done for you?
I don’t think in terms of romance, so I can’t answer. I can answer though is the greatest thing she has done for me: tolerate my excesses.

Do you think you’ll be together forever?
I genuinely hope so.

What do you imagine for the future?
Sunny blue skies, by a Mediterranean sea with that amazing quality of light, the musky perfume of the plants