On being treated for depression – Is it something I really want

image

I’m undergoing treatment for depression, I have pills, I have a therapist as well, but I got to thinking this morning, perhaps I want to be depressed. Over the last five and a half years I’ve had difficulty doing stuff.

Predominantly it’s dealing with my wife and children and that extends outwards to the rest of the world. Somehow, I have this notion that we should work together and push down our own wants and needs for the greater good of the family. I also feel like I don’t get heard saying these thing, we should sublimate ourselves for the long term good.

There is too much no in our family, I do things that are asked of me that I don’t like. But it’s presented to me that, that is what’s needed and then later I find out that even though I’ve done my part, my wife has done something contrary to her own request. It very frustrating and very confusing

So anyway I got to thinking this morning, perhaps this is what I actually want, a just getting by, a hand to mouth existence. I know I’m suffering from depression  but I wonder if I’m letting depression get the better of me or that depression is what I want and this type of life is what I’ve created because subconsciously it is what I want.

Since I started this blog, which was an attempt to create an orderly well functioning family it’s gone to hell in a handcart. Children  are the real issue, they eat your time, eat your resources and take away your freedom to act. Especially when they get stroppy because they want their own way and you try to explain and they get more bloody-minded and strop more, until your at your wits end because a simple task like putting your damn coat on, causes you berves to fray and you want to lash out. Yet that brings even more problems, you end up with an emotional hangover because you know what everyone has done is wrong. It hasn’t been orderly and sensible.

I find now I have that situation everywhere I go and with everything I do, I’m constantly left with frustration because nothing appears to be sensible anymore. As I was walking home, the telecoms people have the road dug up, so there is only a narrow path. I saw a woman walking towards me I altered my course so that we wouldn’t bump into one another and there was enough space and she tutted about it. Further along two pissed East European blokes did the same.

Maybe my depression is making me over sensitive, maybe I should be more self-centered and not bother, but I feel that if I go down that route  I end up making the world a little worse off.

So what can I do? Frankly I have no idea, but I have to do something and somehow I have to get my family to buy in, not only in words but by deeds to.

yes your tired because of the high intensity negative emotions

Every day it’s the same frustrated and angry, negative high intensity. It wears you out. The complexities and difficulties of the day just bear down on you and when it comes to the end of the day, you are dog tired. That tiredness reduces your inhibitions, and causes you to express yourself in a negative high intensity way. Basically you explode with rage, well that’s how I intetpretated the first few paragraphs of this HBR article.

My anger and frustrations today.

Frustration 1. 8am tried to ring for doctors appointment 12 calls in 9 minutes because even though they’re supposed to be open at 8am their not. Then several engaged calls, because there is one person answering final through only to be no appointments because the 1 doctor has taken a sick day and no replacement.

Frustration 2. The way people weave about on the pavement. I don’t think I walk quickly, but obviously I do, then its people crowding and stopping in shop doorways, and not understanding change on the bus.

Actually as I write this I’ve had a minimal frustrating angry day. Most days I’m angry because of my wife’s drinking and hyper behaviour. Today she didn’t behave that way. And yet, I’m feeling freaked because she’s not drunk or manic, its difficult to handle.

For the last three years we’ve lived in a high intensity negative world.

Maybe a long spell of low intensity positive may help.

Abusing abuse, When the concept of abuse is used by a manipulator

Relationships are filled with abuse of one form or another and sometimes it’s hard to make out what actually is going on.

Sometimes there are clear cut cases mainly because the abuser is a narcissist and without investigating further its pretty obvious.

In some situations it’s so much harder to work out, especially if one part if the abuse cycle isn’t honest, self accountable or transparent.

Three years ago I was arrested for punching my wife in the face. So there at a high level I’m a domestic abuser and violent  Fine, I accept what I did wrong and I accept that the way I delt with the situation that lead to it was wrong.

For years my wife has been abusing our money. it’s a shared resource, its shared between me, her, and two children. Add in there are other entities in the ‘relationship’, bills, expenses, the roof over our head. So we look at it two ways, I see it as “ours” basically a shareing of our shared resource. She sees it as “mine” as in hers.

This causes a real mismatch in how money is handled for the good of all of us.

Just before the punch in the face, she’d got herself into a real financial mess and then dumped on me to fix. She was in full denial, just wouldn’t openly accept what she’d done and took no steps to fix it.

What an absolutely terrible person she is.

So she went along to a domestic violence victims group, where they gave her the space to convince herself that she was being financially abused by me because I was sorting out the problem she’d dumped on me. If I was wired differently I should have walked away from her problems, letting her sort them out. Instead, I placed myself in harms way.

I accept I did the wrong thing by punching her, I accept that the way I went about trying to sort stuff out looks like financial abuse. I’ve made so many mistakes over how I’ve managed this situation. It’s basically been down to wanting to do the right thing for all of us.

But all its done is to make me angrier because no matter what I do, we don’t do it together.

So here we are two toxic people together, now how do we clean up this toxic mess and create a environment that allows healthy behaviours to thrive?

14 hrs in and its a bad start

Well happy new year. It’s now 2pm on  the 1 Jan 2016 and its not been the best of starts. I was up at 7:30 followed by my youngest at 8:30. The other two got up between 10 and 12.

I taken some time to reflect on the last year an the hell/shite we’ve been through.

Key points

Getting sexy has lessened, only about 100 times in  the last year. I have to admit not only has the quantity dropped so has the quality, neither if us feels like putting any effort into it.

Money, has been up and down absolutely no consistency, unable to plan a budget or make any improvements.

Moods; have been all over the place, my wife is starting to get some alcohol treatment, I’m starting to wonder if she is on the bipolar spectrum, especially as there is such wide variance in her behaviour (I’d perfer her to be on the bisexual spectrum but thats just a poor taste joke). I’m back on antidepressants, my own mood hasn’t stabilised much, I’m still very angry about stuff and feel a lot of resentment.

External family, well that’s still the same, my wife back in contact with her parents. I got back in contact with my half siblings which hasn’t worked out.

Education. Something needs to be done, don’t know what but some needs to be done to improve my children’s educational attainment.

Ah Well, only 364 and a bit days to go until next year. Here’s a thought, perhaps I should use one of those time delay email services and send this to myself for the beginning of next year.

mental toughness, resilience, fragility and mindfulness, can they work together.

This has been an odd, interesting abd difficult year. It’s had some dramatic successes and some outstanding fails.

I was just watchin the save the children ad.

The first thing to note, it that we as a family have sunk to that level. We are (my wife and myself) both now unemployed and what you sed in that advert is what my chikdren and our family are now experiencing.

As I said, this year has undergone sone spectacukar events. In the procesd of moving out if London, I was homeless for two weeks, it was a combination of sofa surfing, b&b’s and sleeping rough.

Finally, I secured a flat and the family mive in from London to here. During that time the stress of moving and a bew job wore me out. Then I was sacked, I got a new job rapidly, but at the sane time my wifes alcoholism was escalating. Finally, I snapped and lost another job.

So this year I’ve been mentally tough, putting up with some really difficult situations, its made me at times fragile, unable to cope, yet at the same timd I’ve become resilient, no matter what I’ll put my wife and children’s safety, security and well-being first.

It has made me mindful, but I intend to work through this and come out better off and with a stronger family.

We’ve been through hell, a first world hell, but we’re better off than many, even here in the UK.

So what has mental toughness, fragility, resilience and mindfulness given me.

Resolve, The ability to resolve this situation were in, its not the same as a resolution. There is a subtle difference. Resolution is a firm decision to do something, resolve is the setting out on a course of action.

I’m not naking a new years resolution, but I will be resolute abd resolve out situation.

Watch this space.

Is knowing the same as controling

I had an interesting though this morning.

Is knowing about something the same as controlling something.

I guess its why you want to know is the deciding factor. I had a situation early this morning when I asked my wife, how much money she had in her account. The reason I asked is because I have to do all the family book-keeping and I wanted to aggregate how much we had in total (which is less than £120), so that I could plan a budget over the next few days.

That does sound quite straight forward, but its one of those contentious issues with spouses. I have some money, she has some money, how do we manage that money for the greater good of the family.

This is a tricky situation for all families, money is one of the major causes of divorce. I guess it all boils down to mindset. If your a person who is a bit selfish, then the money you have is your money and it is for you to do with as you wish.

That’s all fine and dandy if you are single with no dependants and this is the bit in families where the issue comes from.

If you can’t recognise that you have other people dependent on you, then you have a major problem. Somehow, in people’s upbringings there is a gap where parents don’t teach children to understand who is dependent.

From an old school traditional perspective the “man” is the breadwinner (actually that’s not true at all – if you look at history from a gender sociological perspective, women have provided just as much as men, if not more). If I refactor that statement, In a family someone is the primary “breadwinner” and someone is the “caregiver”, each has a distinct complicated busy job to do. Somehow, somewhere that  simple ideology can get lost.

Anyway, enough of that, this mornings question got me to thinking. Is it controlling asking for a piece of information so that it can be acted upon. The key part of that sentence is “acted upon”. If the action on getting that information is to abuse and control someone, then yes it becomes controlling. If the action is to understand something and then behave accordingly for the good of the group, then that’s not controlling (unless that is you own understanding of “good of the group” is in your own best interests – then it’s back to controlling).

My poor old wife has undergone a lot of controlling relationships before we got together and often mistakes the “greater good of the unit” to being that of controlling and stopping her doing what she wants. Again, the problem goes back to “What she wants”, because she is an alcoholic what she wants is to spend on alcohol rather than putting that money into the pot for the dependents.  So yes, a simple question about money, become fraught with control issues. She knows that her addiction is wrong, and struggles with it.

It’s all very complicated, and I hate being in the position we are in, because it does start to look like I’m trying to control, yet I have no desire to control someone and all I want to do is know something so I can modify my own behaviour for the good of the family.

Part of the reason I’, saying all this is because I would like to get myself a new pair of shoes, yet I can’t until I know that there is enough money so that it won’t be detrimental to the rest of the family.

You know what – I wish I’d never done an A-level in sociology and another in economics, because it really messes with your head.

 

 

Halloween 2016… Already

My kids have already started planning next Hallowe’en. A totally WTF monent for me. I really couldn’t give a stuff about any of these retail driven holidays, but when did Hallowe’en become this obsessive for children?

I mean, it nothing special, why has it become “special”. I’ve noticed a trend over the last few years of it getting bigger and bigger. Its too many make-up how to’s, zombie walks and comic-con dressups.

This isn’t stuff we’re steering the kids towards, it’s youtube. I guess traditiobal broadcasters can’t compete with the user generated content on youtube.

But its not the dressup I object to about Hallowe’en, its the sugar rush candy extravaganza that comes with it now. An entire retaik event that probsble will create a new type of diabetes. Event driven sugar overload diabetes.