Relationships are filled with abuse of one form or another and sometimes it’s hard to make out what actually is going on.
Sometimes there are clear cut cases mainly because the abuser is a narcissist and without investigating further its pretty obvious.
In some situations it’s so much harder to work out, especially if one part if the abuse cycle isn’t honest, self accountable or transparent.
Three years ago I was arrested for punching my wife in the face. So there at a high level I’m a domestic abuser and violent Fine, I accept what I did wrong and I accept that the way I delt with the situation that lead to it was wrong.
For years my wife has been abusing our money. it’s a shared resource, its shared between me, her, and two children. Add in there are other entities in the ‘relationship’, bills, expenses, the roof over our head. So we look at it two ways, I see it as “ours” basically a shareing of our shared resource. She sees it as “mine” as in hers.
This causes a real mismatch in how money is handled for the good of all of us.
Just before the punch in the face, she’d got herself into a real financial mess and then dumped on me to fix. She was in full denial, just wouldn’t openly accept what she’d done and took no steps to fix it.
What an absolutely terrible person she is.
So she went along to a domestic violence victims group, where they gave her the space to convince herself that she was being financially abused by me because I was sorting out the problem she’d dumped on me. If I was wired differently I should have walked away from her problems, letting her sort them out. Instead, I placed myself in harms way.
I accept I did the wrong thing by punching her, I accept that the way I went about trying to sort stuff out looks like financial abuse. I’ve made so many mistakes over how I’ve managed this situation. It’s basically been down to wanting to do the right thing for all of us.
But all its done is to make me angrier because no matter what I do, we don’t do it together.
So here we are two toxic people together, now how do we clean up this toxic mess and create a environment that allows healthy behaviours to thrive?