Mummy and me go out (part 2)

I’ve used this title as its one of the more popular search finds on this blog. It has confused me why I get so many hits per day on it. Then I did some research into the search term. I was horrified by the results. It one if the top search terms in pornhub. This make me question why so many men want to “see” fictionalised incest lesbian porn. What the hell is going on in the minds of men now?

Do they kid themselves, in some siloed segment of their brain that they are not asking to watch a dramatisation of a criminal act or an actual criminal act? The internet has created some kind of mental firewall about consumption. If your asking to watch something criminal, you are an active participant in that crime, don’t men get it.

I don’t consider myself a feminist at all, but if anything I actively side with it as I find the current angry, self indulgent petulant, MRA/MGTOW mentality disgusting. Their outpouring, so deliciously mocked be David Futrelle at we hunted the mammoth, is an example of the disfunctions that are growing in western society.

Although these siloed mentalities will say that they are distinct and separate, one has nothing to do with the other. The rise of porn (more to the point abusive porn) and the rise of Man Anger come from the same consumer/producer, men – don’t kid yourselves its women this is all the fault if angry men.

So if you’ve found one of my posts hoping to see what I’ve describe above (the porn) then your out of luck.

My intention in this post is to discuss myself. I am an angry man. If any feminists come by this and want to ask questions about man anger with out it resorting to a Dean Esmay-esque ragefront or a Paul Elam style “your to blame” rant, well here I am.

I’d like to get to the root of my man anger, mainly because I want it over and gone and move on with my life. In the last five to six years I’ve descended into a pit. I think it’s down to something like imposter syndrome. I’ve always felt like an imposter having a family. From an early age it was hammered into me that I was a failure. Mostly it came about because of that fucked up notion of “sins of the father”. My father went to prison when I was six months old, and everyone made sure I knew about it.

So the concept that I was nothing but scum was hammered into me young and that the high point of my existence would be living in doorways and scrounging off the state.

I purposefully ran away from that environment and rose, I’ve had two stellar high points in my life to date, one in archeology and one in the city of London, yet both occasions imposter syndrome came along and kicked me in the gut and knocked me down.

I’m coming up to 50 years old now and I need to rise again, yet these knock backs are more of a focus that the successes I’ve had.

more to come as I think further.

A PEGI18+ post… flooding her with cum, something often missed out from sex & dating posts

I was reading a few “sex” posts today, I always like reading about peoples sex experiences. It’s a bit of a voyeyr thing  but I always find them interesting. One if the things that often strikes me is the total lack of reality. Especially the posts that are are quite descriptive about the actual sex act itself.

I often wonder if posts that purport to be by women are written by (young) men pretending to be women. What I find curious us that there is rearly a mention of how messy sex can be. For example when ever myself and DW (my wife) have a shag, I ejaculate. Frankly she enjoys it when that gapoebs as she gets to feel the twitches and suddenly gets “wetter” (its the cum that does that).

Then there is the post coital faff of getting up without dripping my load onto the bed/carpet/floor while doing that cross legged walk that only women can do to get to get bathroom for that clean up.

It’s interesting that it’s never mentioned in post by people who reckon their are having active sex lives. Or isn’t the mundanity of sex part if it. Any parents who are still trying to get it on once they’ve had kids know that sex becomes complicated, messy and short lived, but still 100% better than trying to pull and pickup.

To be honest that brief time after we’ve cum is the best, we relax, I soften inside her warm squelchy bits which is a fantastic feeling, flop out of her as we wind down and feel the endorphin pleasure.

Abusing abuse, When the concept of abuse is used by a manipulator

Relationships are filled with abuse of one form or another and sometimes it’s hard to make out what actually is going on.

Sometimes there are clear cut cases mainly because the abuser is a narcissist and without investigating further its pretty obvious.

In some situations it’s so much harder to work out, especially if one part if the abuse cycle isn’t honest, self accountable or transparent.

Three years ago I was arrested for punching my wife in the face. So there at a high level I’m a domestic abuser and violent  Fine, I accept what I did wrong and I accept that the way I delt with the situation that lead to it was wrong.

For years my wife has been abusing our money. it’s a shared resource, its shared between me, her, and two children. Add in there are other entities in the ‘relationship’, bills, expenses, the roof over our head. So we look at it two ways, I see it as “ours” basically a shareing of our shared resource. She sees it as “mine” as in hers.

This causes a real mismatch in how money is handled for the good of all of us.

Just before the punch in the face, she’d got herself into a real financial mess and then dumped on me to fix. She was in full denial, just wouldn’t openly accept what she’d done and took no steps to fix it.

What an absolutely terrible person she is.

So she went along to a domestic violence victims group, where they gave her the space to convince herself that she was being financially abused by me because I was sorting out the problem she’d dumped on me. If I was wired differently I should have walked away from her problems, letting her sort them out. Instead, I placed myself in harms way.

I accept I did the wrong thing by punching her, I accept that the way I went about trying to sort stuff out looks like financial abuse. I’ve made so many mistakes over how I’ve managed this situation. It’s basically been down to wanting to do the right thing for all of us.

But all its done is to make me angrier because no matter what I do, we don’t do it together.

So here we are two toxic people together, now how do we clean up this toxic mess and create a environment that allows healthy behaviours to thrive?

MoSCoW (Must, Should, Could, Would) needs something else between them all, such as can’t be bothered

The English language is a wonderfully flexible system for communicating, except sometimes I realise there is a word missing. There needs to be an official verb to describe “just can’t be fucking bothered at all to do something”.

I don’t know what it could be, I don’t know what it should be, I don’t know how it could be used. More to the point would it be useful.

I think it would, as it described a state where you know and understand MoSCoW, but just can’t be bothered to do any of them.

The French loan word Anomie could be a good candidate, lack of the norms, standards or ethics that drive an action.

Having looked up the synonyms for anomie, immorality was basically the only one on offer. So by not participating in MoSCoW, I become ‘immoral’? Troble is,is that, that word has been taken over by people who over abuse it in the context of abusing others.

So by being indifferent to MoSCoW I turn my back on the moral of what should be done because I must, I should, I could or I would but won’t.

Perhaps we need two sorts of MoSCoW. Positive – must,should, could, would and negative, mustn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t. So when we present MoSCoW to assess issues it should be on a positive and negative axis.

When do you realise there is a mental health issue and whoes is it.

From my shallow understanding of mental health a neurosis is when you personally know you have something wrong. A psychosis is when you don’t.

I’ve often heard from people as well that mental illness can be “caught”, again my understanding of that is when you’re in close proximity to someone with an issue that you (I in this case) start to adopt mannerisms and behaviours that on the surface appear to be mental health issues.

I’m not sure I really have mental health issues, now this is one of those situations where I could be trapped, saying I don’t have it when some of my behaviours ” scream” that I do, is also a giant flag.

On Thursday/Friday my wife went through some issues where she started to “fracture”, its two months since we had the big one that’s thrown us into disarray. Fortunately, this time it was no where near as bad. In the past week after attending several weeks of alcohol therapy she’s gone abstinent.

Thus is actually a mix of us having next to no money and her own choice.

Actually, she has been diagnosed in the past, at university, as being bi-polar, but has avoided finding out further due to stigma and “face”.

The last year was awful with her having “episodes” frequently and then recovering. What makes me wirry about myself is that I vear the brunt of it and cone away thinking “what did I do to cause that” and then digging myself into a pit of misery to try to overcome the problems and understand it.

At times I end up thinking I’m so selfish in wanting to separate as I leave her by herself to hurt, harm and damage herself further. Yet in the same frame I do that to myself.

It’s very difficult living in a relationship with possible mental health problems, I;ve taken myself along to a doctor and have been diagnosed with depression. My choice and my own free will because I know there is something wrong somewhere and I want help.

On the other hand, the only reason that my wife has had alcohol therapy is that she has been forced into doing it by social services, so she’s not doing it of her own free will.

Is that the difference? This whole mess ends up making you question over and over again.

If sex is still meaningful, does that means that there is meaning in the relationship

There does seem to be a trend in posts about sexless marriages and it does strike me as odd, that there is no physical intimacy and little in the way of emotional intimacy, yet they keep on together. What I find interesting is that irrespective of gender the gripes tend to be the same.

It give me cause to think about the conclusions I can draw from this. It’s either lots if weird odd men pretending  to be their partners. It’s quite common believe me, I had a mate who used to pretend to be a woman on dating sites and I’m lead to bekuce that’s very common too. Or that both sexes feel the same about sexless marriages.

Anyway, so far this year we’ve had sex five times, plus an additional snoggy gropes which involve handjobs or bits caressing. For all of the turmoil that goes on in our marriage we’re still into the physicals of a relationship.

Sometimes, I wonder is that because I’m too pushy for it and all I want is to go down, be sucked and then enter her. You know completely selfish about it, but I don’t think that’s the case. I like to see her enjoy sex as much as I do and I feel quite disgusted with myself if I think she’s caved in to pestering. Also when she’s flatly said “no, I don’t want to do it”, I’ve accepted that and not persuade further.

Perhaps it’s down to a skewed mindset of mine, that I have thus hidden vekife that people in a relationship should have to say that they want it, its intrinsically known by your partner. It used to be a kiss on the back of the neck a cuddle and our clothes would be strewn everywhere. Now we have children we have to be mindful of their privacy and right not to see it happening.

As I pondered in my title, is there meaning to this, because we have consensual sex (ok with a bit of badgering from me from time to time), foes that nesn that for all our faults that there still is deep meaning in our relationship.