I’m undergoing treatment for depression, I have pills, I have a therapist as well, but I got to thinking this morning, perhaps I want to be depressed. Over the last five and a half years I’ve had difficulty doing stuff.
Predominantly it’s dealing with my wife and children and that extends outwards to the rest of the world. Somehow, I have this notion that we should work together and push down our own wants and needs for the greater good of the family. I also feel like I don’t get heard saying these thing, we should sublimate ourselves for the long term good.
There is too much no in our family, I do things that are asked of me that I don’t like. But it’s presented to me that, that is what’s needed and then later I find out that even though I’ve done my part, my wife has done something contrary to her own request. It very frustrating and very confusing
So anyway I got to thinking this morning, perhaps this is what I actually want, a just getting by, a hand to mouth existence. I know I’m suffering from depression but I wonder if I’m letting depression get the better of me or that depression is what I want and this type of life is what I’ve created because subconsciously it is what I want.
Since I started this blog, which was an attempt to create an orderly well functioning family it’s gone to hell in a handcart. Children are the real issue, they eat your time, eat your resources and take away your freedom to act. Especially when they get stroppy because they want their own way and you try to explain and they get more bloody-minded and strop more, until your at your wits end because a simple task like putting your damn coat on, causes you berves to fray and you want to lash out. Yet that brings even more problems, you end up with an emotional hangover because you know what everyone has done is wrong. It hasn’t been orderly and sensible.
I find now I have that situation everywhere I go and with everything I do, I’m constantly left with frustration because nothing appears to be sensible anymore. As I was walking home, the telecoms people have the road dug up, so there is only a narrow path. I saw a woman walking towards me I altered my course so that we wouldn’t bump into one another and there was enough space and she tutted about it. Further along two pissed East European blokes did the same.
Maybe my depression is making me over sensitive, maybe I should be more self-centered and not bother, but I feel that if I go down that route I end up making the world a little worse off.
So what can I do? Frankly I have no idea, but I have to do something and somehow I have to get my family to buy in, not only in words but by deeds to.