Boxing day 4:30 pm

I write my blog mostly from my MotoG and I find they the stock Android 5 keyboard to be absolutely atrocious I guess I should install a better one, but anyway I digress.

There is no simple way to put it, things in my family are fucked. I know my wife is rehabbing and has made a commitment to stop drinking and even though shes on around 12 to 18 units a day at the moment, its still difficult. It still less than two months since she accepted help and is holding herself together.

I still have a knot of resentment which I need to get past. Frankly, we could have a long way still to go. The gravity of alcoholism could still, very easily drag us down. After her last bingeing session I gave up. I find it difficult holding myself together as all the effort I put into keeping us together seemed to be for nothing. I gave up.

Should I continue to give up, I ask myself frequently. Put it behind me or carry on as is. So here are my choices.

Up and leave, put it all behind me and have nothing to do with her and the children (they are becomming behaviorally quite difficult as they have no good role models).

Leave with the children and try to turn things around by myself for them

Or stay and value the changes and make sure they don’t get worse.

I know there are many combinations, not just the three above.

So, I could discuss the pros and cons of staying or going. but I am an optimist, I truely believe that if we choose to make it better it will become better.

For quite some time my wife chose drinking, which made our life worse. Now she’s in the process of reduction and management, I find myself in a pit of resentment and venom.

A few days ago, someone told me that anger is like trying to throw a hot coal. By holding it you damage yourself.

Well, actually that’s not quite right. You’re throwing that burning hot coal at someone to get rid of it, to get rid of the pain. No one ever chooses to have a burning hot coal dumped in their hand, but she did it to me with her drinking.

Anger is a burning coal, but more often thsn not, thst coal is dropped on you and suddenly you’re hurt. You flinch snd react and throw that coal right back from where it came.

Back and forth, this burning hot coal of anger, hate and resentment goes. At some point it must go out, the laws of entropy dictate that. But for something to burn as hot as the anger and pain of a relationship in distress, not only uses up the the lump of coal. It also burns up our personal energy and we’re left empty.

So where are we at? She’s suffering because of my venom and resentment. Frankly, it stems from having an alcoholic mother of my own. I realise now that I had a black hole in my memory. These a time period in my childhood from around 10 to 14 that I have no recollection of. But every time my wife got drunk in charge of the children, it triggered something in me.

I’ve recently been having these illuminating dreams where my mother replaces my wife and I realise that my fears (which results in anger) that come from my childhood are being replayed when I experience my wife drunk.

So I have to move forwards past this and stop putting my wife in a position where she can fall back on bad behaviours because I hold this knot of venom and bitterness.

I have to turn it around for everyones good. But I feel I want something in return. I followed through with many of her failed ideas, mostly against my better judgement… too often I found myself in a position of “I told you so”. This afternoon I listened to her pain. I accept that she’s holding her own pain as well as taking hurts from me.

I promised her I wouldn’t talk about it again for a few days, but I realise that I’ll end up using it as a weapon. When I do talk about our past and she says ” you always go on about it”, I’ll be able to go. Ha! I didn’t talk about it for x number of days. Not good, not good at all.

So I have to find some way to pour the black venom and bile down a drain and leave it be.

Also, there needs to be some way to put the energy back into the relationship, not just for me and not just for my wife but for the children too.

I’m not so sure this time, how to put some vigour back into things. Somehow we’lk fibd a way.


2 thoughts on “Boxing day 4:30 pm

  1. You are in a tough place…my concern are your daughters who deserve non of this. You are both adults and are responsible for what you put yourselves through. Your daughters don’t have a choice….they didn’t choose it, they can’t choose to exit. One of you needs to love them more than yourselves or the other spouse and get them out of the hell they are in.

    I say this not to be harsh…you know I have followed you for a while and say this with care. Fuck the world you are in right now…take your daughters and give them better….give them peace.

    • yes you are right and it needs to be said… I have no answer right now but it is constantly at the forefront of my mind.

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