Separation oscillation – mixing the messages, the message is mixed

Sometimes I have a vague-ish wish to become like Daniel Dafoe’s Robinson Crusoe. Live on an idyllic desert island, faraway from the complexities of life. Actually, rather than that I would much prefer to be a lighthouse keeper, living in a rock solid edifice that stand firm against the tumults of nature.

When I was a child I was taken massively by the “Moominpapa at Sea” book by Tove Jasson. Somehow it appealed to me, as an adult faced with many complexities regarding life I cast my mind back to that book and think of the escapist nature of it.

I have read that Tove Jasson wrote it as an allegory of her father’s fight with mental health issues. Sometimes I feel it it a good description of my fight with whatever issues I have.

I talk to the Samaritans a fair bit at the moment, its good to talk with another human being about some of the issues that are going in in my (and by extension our – my wife’s and children’s) life. The complexities and confusion’s, when they get around to asking if I’m thinking of checking out of life because of the difficulties, I can’t off hand remember the phrase they use. I think of Moominpapa at Sea.

Often the phrase “at sea” is used to describe someone who is having difficulties processing and dealing with a complex issue. I admit that I feel in a dark, stormy, rocky place and I would love to fight my way into a lighthouse, turn on the heating, switch on the lamp and the foghorn and curl up until the storm has passed and the sun breaks through.

As a child I lived far enough away from a lighthouse that in winter, when bad weather was buffeting where I lived, I could hear the baleful moan of a foghorn in the distance. It was comforting, as I know when it stopped so had the bad weather, l’d wake and listen out, no moaning in the distance then everything was OK again.

I think that this is a good example of how I feel at the moment and what I would like, some signal that although things are not nice that at some point the sun will break through the clouds and we all and I will be OK for sometime, until that is the next storm.

I think we’re giving each other mixed messages, during the middle if last week we agreed to stop and we have done, so between Friday and today, Sunday we’ve stopped the the mixed messages and have talked to each other with clarity.

Except;

The beginning of each week we have our check-ins with our therapists, counsellors, supervisors and social workers. You know you and your family get more attention for my abusive behaviours, than my wife had when she was close to being terminally ill.

Doesn’t make sense.

And from tomorrow onwards we’ll be forced into others messages which will mix our own.

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