This is a thing I’m having a real difficulty with. Over the last eleven years I’ve been joined to the hip with DW. Now that we are separating the contact between us is now very difficult.
I’ve become tremendously needy, I don’t know how I’ve got here, I guess its been the isolation over the last few years, little or no friend, no family outside of my immediate family. I’ve been so used to DW company, to talking with her normally, being a sounding board for problems and having arguments over issues I have no one else to turn to for loving support and guidance.
It’s tough but I have to come to terms with my feelings. At this moment I’m at home with my eldest as she’s a bit sick. DW took our youngest to school and I was expecting her an hour ago to come back home. So I started to get worked up. What’s going in, where is she, what’s she’s up to, has she taken money from the bank account. Then I suddenly remembered that she mentioned in passing that she was having coffee with another mum. Now I’m starting to get over myself, with that memory realisation.
I think I’m now confronting the real difficulty with separation, our day to day knowledge of each other will fade to a distant memory and we’ve been a big part of each others lives from the get go.
Somehow, I’m going to have to find a way to fill that void. So this is a sort of separation depression. I guess right now because I’ve identified it, I can start to manage it.
Maybe I have to add random alerts to my phone to remind me go be mindful of all these things.
So this is a good one… This helps me.
One little moment if reflection I’ve just had is my sadness that we’ve not had a family holiday for over five years.
I’ll miss her as someone to confide in, I really will, since my grandmother died who always was someone for me to confide in before DW came into my life. At that point my grandmother felt she could let go and that’s what happened until she died. Now I have no one, except the children and at 6 & 9, that just ain’t going to happen.
As a side note DW gas stopped reading my blog, I have mixed feelings about that, this was often a good medium to express my feelings towards her, sometimes hurtful, sometimes painful, sometimes happy, loving and supporting, but I found it often a way to get thing across in a non confrontational way.
I am sorry that we have come to an end, we do need distance and others. I’ve got to climb out if my inward turningness and move on.