It’s been a while since I posted, life has had it’s downs and downers. I got a new job I quit the new job, it wasn’t a good fit for either parties.
Anyway, things have become very bad between DW and I, so we’ve decided to separate. It’s not a good thing, its not a bad thing, its just the way it has to be from now.
Creating a support network for the kids us my main concern, I don’t really have a vision of how the separation will look once it’s happened. I’m not angry or bitter towards DW. I don’t know her feelings – I’d like to, so that I can change and alter for the better, for her good and for the children’s good. But, there y’go, it’s happening.
I have bought into the concept of separation and now believe it’s for the best, I personally am unsure as to whether it will be trial or permanent. I think the latter myself, once I’ve adjusted to being on my own then I can start being myself, doing what I want, manage money better and generally move forwards.
I don’t know how the separation will look with shared care, frankly I’m very confused by the shared care, but I’ve reached out spoken to some agencies and charities and I’m starting to get my head around it.
How it will be for DD1 & DD2 I don’t know, but I do know that I can be supportive and listen and try to do things proper. I hope DW has an OK time with this, I think some of her ideas aren’t correct but I discovered that there is mediation and hopefully that will get the shared care on the right track.
Frankly, I don’t know what’s going on as far as she is concerned, there are a lot of mixed signals. So mixed up in fact we ended up having sex last night (she was really keen to have anal too which is a really mixed signal). It wasn’t my intention, we’ve nearly had sex since I took the new job, I was just trying to show a little affection and be OK with her, my intend was to show that no matter what my desire for her is still as fresh as when we first met.
So where do I go from here? I have some ideas regarding what OK have to do, get a job, get a place to stay. Prepare for the children staying. Work my job and lifestyle into the care arrangements. Move forwards.
Really, truth be told I want away from the lot of them and refind myself. I’m not sure that will occur as I’m a total flake.
Things I do know:
Be mindful of all the stressors.
What I don’t know:
What she wants
What the children want
How to go about giving as much as I can with leaving myself unattended.
What my job will look like
What my accommodation will be.
After the main stress that this week has brought about I now feel tired and refreshed. I’m calling the Samaritans a lot, I’m going to rejoin AlAnon. I’m talking to people and I’m being as open an as honest as I can be. I think a large dose of transparency is needed from me. I know my side of the boundary between DW and I where that boundary is I’m not quite sure of. I have to admit I don’t know what’s on her side of the boundary and I’m not going to look. That’s her world.
I do wish her happiness and in time can find someone to connect with and give her the support and care she really needs and not make the mistakes I did. I started this week off terrified of what the outcome was going to be, become a rough sleeper again. In actual fact I’m now looking forward to it, maybe meet someone new, discover them see how they integrate into my and the girls world if that happens. Get a new job and try to make it work, get a new place. And reconnect with happiness.
Hey that would be good!
I don’t really know how nuts this is, but I know my wife reads my blog, yet even sitting next to me as I’m reviewing the stats going “wow it’s amazing that so many people read my blog” she makes no comment that she’s read what I’ve put.
I guess now I’ve got a complete picture, about how to move forwards. It’ll completely be one-sided. It’s sad that it’ll be this way. I know amicable doesn’t include the words open, honest and transparent, which is sad. And we will end as closed, biased and opaque as ever. I think this is how bitterness begins.