To be courageous, to be dauntless

When facing difficulty, peril or an unknown adds difficulty it’s better to be courageous and dauntless not fearless.

I’m entering a very scary unknown phase of my life, I’ve reached out to family, something I haven’t done in decades and I’ve had a brilliant experience.

But I didn’t reach out to my primary abusers, though, my mother, stepfather or unvle. My wife did, reach out to her primary abusers and of course she got the abusers response… It came with conditions, only if you do… Will we consider.

I knew if I contacted my immediate family it would come with conditions. Conditions I couldn’t even get close to achieving.

I feel for my wife, caught between a rock and a hard place. I’m not easy to live with by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve never made my love for her conditional.

It is what it is, I’ve done some bad things, but never emotional or psychological torment.

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Leaving

So leaving is going to be tough, heavy bags and an uncertain future.

I’m not afraid any longer, I know it will be hard and difficult.

But a new life and a fresh start for everyone concerned is what’s needed

Separation oscillation – mixing the messages, the message is mixed

Sometimes I have a vague-ish wish to become like Daniel Dafoe’s Robinson Crusoe. Live on an idyllic desert island, faraway from the complexities of life. Actually, rather than that I would much prefer to be a lighthouse keeper, living in a rock solid edifice that stand firm against the tumults of nature.

When I was a child I was taken massively by the “Moominpapa at Sea” book by Tove Jasson. Somehow it appealed to me, as an adult faced with many complexities regarding life I cast my mind back to that book and think of the escapist nature of it.

I have read that Tove Jasson wrote it as an allegory of her father’s fight with mental health issues. Sometimes I feel it it a good description of my fight with whatever issues I have.

I talk to the Samaritans a fair bit at the moment, its good to talk with another human being about some of the issues that are going in in my (and by extension our – my wife’s and children’s) life. The complexities and confusion’s, when they get around to asking if I’m thinking of checking out of life because of the difficulties, I can’t off hand remember the phrase they use. I think of Moominpapa at Sea.

Often the phrase “at sea” is used to describe someone who is having difficulties processing and dealing with a complex issue. I admit that I feel in a dark, stormy, rocky place and I would love to fight my way into a lighthouse, turn on the heating, switch on the lamp and the foghorn and curl up until the storm has passed and the sun breaks through.

As a child I lived far enough away from a lighthouse that in winter, when bad weather was buffeting where I lived, I could hear the baleful moan of a foghorn in the distance. It was comforting, as I know when it stopped so had the bad weather, l’d wake and listen out, no moaning in the distance then everything was OK again.

I think that this is a good example of how I feel at the moment and what I would like, some signal that although things are not nice that at some point the sun will break through the clouds and we all and I will be OK for sometime, until that is the next storm.

I think we’re giving each other mixed messages, during the middle if last week we agreed to stop and we have done, so between Friday and today, Sunday we’ve stopped the the mixed messages and have talked to each other with clarity.

Except;

The beginning of each week we have our check-ins with our therapists, counsellors, supervisors and social workers. You know you and your family get more attention for my abusive behaviours, than my wife had when she was close to being terminally ill.

Doesn’t make sense.

And from tomorrow onwards we’ll be forced into others messages which will mix our own.

Another issue with separation

This is a thing I’m having a real difficulty with. Over the last eleven years I’ve been joined to the hip with DW. Now that we are separating the contact between us is now very difficult.

I’ve become tremendously needy, I don’t know how I’ve got here, I guess its been the isolation over the last few years, little or no friend, no family outside of my immediate family. I’ve been so used to DW company, to talking with her normally, being a sounding board for problems and having arguments over issues I have no one else to turn to for loving support and guidance.

It’s tough but I have to come to terms with my feelings. At this moment I’m at home with my eldest as she’s a bit sick. DW took our youngest to school and I was expecting her an hour ago to come back home. So I started to get worked up. What’s going in, where is she, what’s she’s up to, has she taken money from the bank account. Then I suddenly remembered that she mentioned in passing that she was having coffee with another mum. Now I’m starting to get over myself, with that memory realisation.

I think I’m now confronting the real difficulty with separation, our day to day knowledge of each other will fade to a distant memory and we’ve been a big part of each others lives from the get go.

Somehow, I’m going to have to find a way to fill that void. So this is a sort of separation depression. I guess right now because I’ve identified it, I can start to manage it.

Maybe I have to add random alerts to my phone to remind me go be mindful of all these things.

So this is a good one… This helps me.

One little moment if reflection I’ve just had is my sadness that we’ve not had a family holiday for over five years.

I’ll miss her as someone to confide in, I really will, since my grandmother died who always was someone for me to confide in before DW came into my life. At that point my grandmother felt she could let go and that’s what happened until she died. Now I have no one, except the children and at 6 & 9, that just ain’t going to happen.

As a side note DW gas stopped reading  my blog, I have mixed feelings about that, this was often a good medium to express my feelings towards her, sometimes hurtful, sometimes painful, sometimes happy, loving and supporting, but I found it often a way to get thing across in a non confrontational way.

I am sorry that we have come to an end, we do need distance and others. I’ve got to climb out if my inward turningness and move on.

This is the time that we need to learn to communicate

I thought I was being OK, DW told me I was trying to start a fight. Well maybe I have in the past, it wasn’t my actual intention. I guess this us where our real differences lie, I’m trying to say how I feel clearly, or how I believe it to be clear, but sod it, she is right.

I’ve invested a lot of myself into this relationship along the way I have made some regrettable catastrophic mistakes, I try to hold myself accountable and be open in that.

Obviously, everything that I say trying to express my feelings and beliefs will be the cause of a fight. Meh! So what, remember this process is on navigating the rights and well-being of the children, irrespective of the fact that mummy and daddy don’t work as a couple.

Move forward slowly, steadily its what’s best for the children and what’s good for them.

Job
Then
Accommodation
And with that will come a better space for the children.

Closed, biased and opaque. The bullshit and tragedy of parental separation for children

I’ve always tried to be open with people, rather than twisty turney messed up shit. Irrespective of anything being open, honest and transparent keeps your personal integrity.

Integrity, I believe, is so important  to anyone going through a separation, whether a conscious uncoupling (DW is trying to suggest we do that) or dirty, nasty messy (what ours will turn into). DW hasn’t been the easiest and clearest person to live with. There had been so much dishonesty on her part that at times I felt I was going insane.

So here we are, separating, mixed signals left right and front and centre. Today she went to kiss me, I dodged that bullet, last night we fucked, I mistakenly tried to show her affection, she then said “fuck me”, so I did.

This is a situation where I need to be mindful and clear. Sadly, I had a very abusive childhood and between the age of seven or eight when I was introduced to sex by abusive parents, I’ve been cheap as chips where women are concerned, seeking affection and emotional connection through sex as that’s how I received affection and emotional connection from my mother.

What my concern is, is that by being closed, biased and opaque which is now what I expect from DW, amicability will go out of the window and we’ll be mired in bullshit and tragedy and the ones who will really suffer are two little girls who do not deserve this shit.

Well, integrity, that is all I can give to this, well actually I have two top notch social workers/child therapists on the side of the kids, I have some other thoughts and plans too.