I don’t know what to do but I need to do it now

Its been a month since my wife was made unemployed, the first fortnight I was rocking, I got myself a number of job interviews and I failed them miserably, mainly because I’m so technically rusty after not working for 18 months.

The second fortnight my self confidence crashed badly, I’d skipped interviews towards the end of the first fortnight because I was such an embarrassment, a complete no show for one because I was so down. I also started to avoid calls because if that. I’ve made internal excuses for the second fortnight, the first week of it was a hangover from the disaster that the previous had been.

One of the other excuses I made to myself was the busyness of Tuesday/Wednesday, on Tuesday I attend a better parenting class followed by a DVIP class. So Tuesday is full of difficult emotional stuff. Also on Tuesday evenings my wife chooses it as a day to get fucked up drunk and talk about the sexual abuses she suffered as a child. I wonder why she chooses Tuesday of all days to do it. So Wednesday I’m feeling doubly down, triply down to be honest as I’m tired from a sleepless night processing all the stuff from Tuesday.

So Wednesday becomes a fail, that rolls on to the next few days and here I am now, depressed and guilty as I’m doing nothing to push the family forward.

I need to get off my high horse and work hard to get this to change, I think of Chris Gardners books , The Pursuit of Happiness and Start Where You Are. I think of all the hard grunt work that many people do to put a roof over their families heads and I sit here wallowing in my own self pity because I can’t get my head around thing’s.