I don’t know what to do but I need to do it now

Its been a month since my wife was made unemployed, the first fortnight I was rocking, I got myself a number of job interviews and I failed them miserably, mainly because I’m so technically rusty after not working for 18 months.

The second fortnight my self confidence crashed badly, I’d skipped interviews towards the end of the first fortnight because I was such an embarrassment, a complete no show for one because I was so down. I also started to avoid calls because if that. I’ve made internal excuses for the second fortnight, the first week of it was a hangover from the disaster that the previous had been.

One of the other excuses I made to myself was the busyness of Tuesday/Wednesday, on Tuesday I attend a better parenting class followed by a DVIP class. So Tuesday is full of difficult emotional stuff. Also on Tuesday evenings my wife chooses it as a day to get fucked up drunk and talk about the sexual abuses she suffered as a child. I wonder why she chooses Tuesday of all days to do it. So Wednesday I’m feeling doubly down, triply down to be honest as I’m tired from a sleepless night processing all the stuff from Tuesday.

So Wednesday becomes a fail, that rolls on to the next few days and here I am now, depressed and guilty as I’m doing nothing to push the family forward.

I need to get off my high horse and work hard to get this to change, I think of Chris Gardners books , The Pursuit of Happiness and Start Where You Are. I think of all the hard grunt work that many people do to put a roof over their families heads and I sit here wallowing in my own self pity because I can’t get my head around thing’s.

There’s an elephant in the room, but we’ll use three blind men to describe it

At this moment I feel like I’m a mash-up of two sayings, proverbs, concepts, what ever they may be. The first one is the elephant in the room, you know that unspoken issue, which everyone sees but no one will talk about. The other is the story of getting three blind men to describe an elephant. One thinks its snake like (the tail), the other thinks its tree like (the legs), the last thinks its best like (the ears), each thinks its different because of their limited understanding.

So that’s what I feel like at the moment, the unspoken issue and a limited understanding of it. It books down to my cowardice over job hunting. Two weeks ago my self confidence was knocked by my rustiness after having not worked for 18 months. My wife has awesome confidence in my abilities I wish I could take a smidge of it and use it to push me forwards.

I don’t know what to do at this moment as I feel like a dead weight loser, there is too much at stake though as we run out of money soon and I’m not looking forwards to the consequences of that. I had a pretty bad dream about it.

So now a new week starts and I have to ho for it, put myself and my ego to one side and get something to support the family.

Operating system agnostic kids, all we need is Apple and we have the full set, except

Neither I or DW my wife, likes Apple products.

Our kids quite happily switch from windows 7 to crunchbang linux, then to windows 8.1 and on to android then to chromeOS and finally to raspbian. Actually, it’s the Google techology that they inhabit via chrome.

At this moment one is youtubing on crunchbang, the other is editing a drum track in html5drummachine.com on windows 8.1.

Maybe at some point we should get them each an iPad, but they are more than happy with their nexus’.

I wonder what it will be like in five years time?

I’m going to have to say no from now on to drunk sex

The drinking has made her boring and needy tonight, She stumbled off to bed, not realising I was sitting on the sofa in the dark. I listened to the crashing and banging from upstairs as she stumbled around the bedroom. It must have dawned on her I wasn’t in bed, some more stumbling and the thump, thump, thump down the stairs.
She comes into the living room, where I’m slumped on the sofa,

“you cummin’ t’ bed”

Me: ‘No I’m staying down here

Her, pulling up her T-shirt to show me her fuzzy short haired bits: ”look at my pussy, I wanna fuck with you”, she says stumbling again‘

Me: ”I’m not sure I want to fuck with a drunk again”

Her: ‘I’m not drunk‘

Me: ‘did you stumble just then? You are drunk and I’m not fucking you‘

So here we are, we’ve fucked twice this week, with her being pissed up. Each time she’s fallen onto my cock nearly breaking it and its really hurt. Funny, if she doesn’t want to have sex, then that’s OK and I’m not allowed to talk about it or sulk. She on the other hand does sulk and becomes needy, if I say no.

I could have fucked her, it would probably be unsatisfying for both if us, she’d have woken up in the morning with a cum spattered cunt, I’d have blown my load and possibly have fucked her a bit rougher than I should (by rough, I mean uncaring, deep and hard so her insides become bruised, none of that hair pulling or choking shit).

Interesting thought I might bring that one to DVIP on Tuesday, even though its consensual sex, you can fuck someone in such a way that the bruises don’t show and yes I know exactly what that sounds like and what the implications of that is, which is all the more, why that I’m pleaded that I’m on the sofa.

Probably she’ll be resentful, being turned down when she’s made herself so available. Turning your partner down for sex, shouldn’t be a resentment, when my wife turns me down, I accept it and wait till the next time we have a mutual desire for it. Her libido is different from mine, she wants it less. It will be interesting to see if she turns into one of those silly, I’m not getting any, no sex in my relationship moaners, when my libido packs up sometime in the future.

Given that my grandad was famously shagging up to the day he died at 82, maybe its genetically programmed into me. He actually karked it on his way out for a hot date with a younger woman of 60, who he’d recently pulled. He’d gone into his favourite bar for a quick whiskey and lemonade, as a ”livener” before his hot date.

I’m going yo be really pissed off if my wife starts getting moody about our sexlife changing, as she is the one who turns down. That’s something she needs to think about.

Yesterday, for example (while pissed I might add), she complained that I’d never fucked her from behind with her hands against the wall. I has to remind her we’ve done that numerous times, I’ve tied her to the stair banisters, over kitchen counter, tables. Its amazing what a pissed up brain forgets. We’ve fucked in a swimming pool, on trains, in department stores, museums, art galleries, on my office desk, on the top floor of my office building overlooking London, seeing all the way to Wembley . I’ve played with her pussy, on the tube, on buses, in the street, its her who says no to fucking not me.

So I wonder how this little smidge of pissed up neediness will snowball into a big sack of shit.

Drunks are such tedious boring people

Another evening listening to boring repetitive slury twaddle, maybe I should record it and play it back to her. For fucks sake repeating the same shit over and over again is mind numbing. How many time do I have to hear the same sentence repeated. Why do you have to repeatedly repeat yourself.

See its quite boring reading that and this is what my evenings like. Upshot of it is that the alcohol makes her horny, so I can fuck her insides out. Maybe its done with the intention of making me angry, so I’ll give her a rough hard brutal fucking. Go deep, spread her open and really fuck like a maniac, mainly because it gets done of my grrr! out and you can’t really talk twaddle when your being fucked senseless.

Interesting strategy, if that’s how you want to have someone fuck you to orgasm. Hmmm! It may work.

Nether the less, drunks are fucking boring people

A place for everything and everything in its place: Tidy up doesn’t mean push under the sofa

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This is the pile of shit generated in 20 minuted by two unsupervised kids and when I asked for a tidy up, it was all pushed under the sofa.

Aaaaaaaargh! I know what the problem is is it’s differing role models, I’m a neat freak and somehow I was taught to tidy up after myself. I wish I knew how it was done, because I can’t seem to achieve it.

My wife is just as messy as the kids, if something misses the bin, meh! just leave it. Things just can’t be put away, her makeup for example, is left scattered everywhere. She complains that it was unfair in her childhood that her parents would throw her stuff away. I’m not bloody surprised, I’m tempted every time I have to tidy up swathes of litter and detritus to throw what ever toy is left lying about away with the junk.

Does anyone have any advice on how to encourage adults and children to be tidy?

Reworking my job hunting, stop being a coward, have some spine and get out and go for it.

I’ve been a but negative over job hunting the last few days, talking to recruiters us such a full king chore. Same old, same old, listening to what they gave to say. Trying to filter the bullshit from the real. Listening to spiel about management jobs that turn out to be non management jobs.

One thing I have discovered is that as soon as you become a stay at hone parent, keep hunting for the dream job. Now I have to get a job to support the family, over the last 18 months I could have got something special.

This is advice to all the coupled out there where one is about to give up work to look after the kids. Keep looking, don’t sit back and take your eyes off the job market.

You see its about confidence, having confidence in myself and my skills, two weeks ago I had my confidence dented as I went down the chain rather than up, now I need to take my confidence and self assuredness and use it. Put up with the repetition and the miss communication and get something anything so my family us supported.