If only you’d… the act of victim blaming, some thoughts.

I was at a meeting yesterday with our family’s social worker, we’ve had an exceptionally poor time with them. Five in 18 months and each never seems to write up case notes for the next one to read, so we start from scratch each time.


Anyway at yesterdays meeting I’m there by myself to discuss my role in the domestic violence. Yes, I am the perpetrator. The social worker only wanted to focus on my wife’s misuse of alcohol. He then started to say:

If only she would….

I put my hand up to stop him and said that my wife DW, was not there, therefore it would be my interpretation, my words and my take on her thoughts and feelings. I followed through with “I am a domestic violence perpetrator, a lot of what I have done is controlling, instead of being supportive, if I start to put words into her mouth, then I’m not moving forward and not giving her the respect and rights, that she needs as a human being”.

Later, I got to thinking about the phrase he started to use and what I used to do. Think about this,

If only you’d…

Stop drinking,
Come to bed,
Do as I asked,
Don’t spent money,
Don’t talk to him,
Be a better mum,
Be a better wife,
Do what I say.

And for women who have been on the receiving end of those phrases (and many more), you know what I would do next. Yes, I would hit. I apologise to you all, even though I know millions have suffered and I can’t can’t change that. Moreover to my beautiful, long suffering wife (and for my darling children) I am truly, deeply sorry and for your ultimate importance and inviolability (sanctity) and welbeing I am committed to the process of change.

My wife, children and supervisors have expressed that they’ve seen a change in me. My wife said last night that I’m becoming more like man she fell in love with (that is the best thing ever said to me). My children are happy that I’m not angry daddy anymore.

But this is a life long process and a life long commitment to them, I do know that this is all very emotive and I unreservedly say that it is not my intention to make anyone feel hurt who reads or make them feel uncomfortable.