There is something seriously wrong with my use of English and the sound of my voice. I must admit that I do have a rather extensive vocabulary, caused by most of my time between the ages of eleven and fourteen bunking school and sitting in libraries reading the Complete Oxford Dictionary.
When I got into sixth form I had to do a Use of English AS level as it was mandatory for all sixth formers to do it.
I was trying to explain to DW, my wife, my feelings about her alcohol problems. Inside my head I was saying;
I am bothered by your denial of your drinking problems and I would really like it of you didn’t get drunk and behave on such a way, with the children, that they become too hyperactive in the evening. Also if you are drinking on the way home please let me know in advance. Finally, I am very concerned about your overall attitude towards alcohol, such as taking a bottle of vodka to an AA meeting hidden in a coke bottle.
I wanted to say all that I’m a calm, sensible voice. Not aggressive, not tense, not nasty, but as I started, I realised that the words I was using was not the ones I’d rehearsed in my head (I’ll leave that to your imagination – as I can’t really remember what I said) and was a tirade, rather than saying how I felt.
I think that during the DVIP process I’m just going to have to keep schtum about these things until I learn a better way to talk. It’s a really difficult thing, one, I sound like a victim blamer. Two, there is the build up of frustration that turns into abuse and violence and finally, well there is no finally, but I must remember to talk to my supervisors on Tuesday about what I can do.
Life if bloody difficult.