I absolutely hate myself for bring a domestic violence perpetrator, when you’re on a DVI programme, you become quite introspective at your own behaviour. I have a choice to be violent, abusive and controlling. It’s tough though, when you think of those things that make you a DV perpetrator.
Some of the things that are coming out of the woodwork aren’t nice and although the is a need to look at the good things about myself, I can’t help but dwell on the nasty and unsavoury.
At this moment in time I’m dwelling on my wife’s alcoholism and my feelings about it. She had a bad drink problem when we met, but I’m pretty sure my abusive, violent behaviour turned into full blown alcoholism. So here I am victim blaming, almost a crystal clear definition of it.
My parents were violent, abusive, vicious alcoholics I grew up surrounded by violence, a lot of it directed at me. As an adult, I swore never to be like that. I’ve only achieved one of the four, great I’m a sober abuser as I don’t drink.
I’m trying al-anon’s detached love as well as the efforts from my DVIP supervisors (who I greatly appreciate). I’ve been successful so far, but I’m really worrying about relapse.
Its tough work tying to change this all, rather than falling back on to abusive behaviours.