On being a domestic violence perpetrator and living with an alcoholic

I absolutely hate myself for bring a domestic violence perpetrator, when you’re on a DVI programme, you become quite introspective at your own behaviour. I have a choice to be violent, abusive and controlling. It’s tough though, when you think of those things that make you a DV perpetrator.

Some of the things that are coming out of the woodwork aren’t nice and although the is a need to look at the good things about myself, I can’t help but dwell on the nasty and unsavoury.

At this moment in time I’m dwelling on my wife’s alcoholism and my feelings about it. She had a bad drink problem when we met, but I’m pretty sure my abusive, violent behaviour turned into full blown alcoholism. So here I am victim blaming, almost a crystal clear definition of it.

My parents were violent, abusive, vicious alcoholics I grew up surrounded by violence, a lot of it directed at me. As an adult, I swore never to be like that. I’ve only achieved one of the four, great I’m a sober abuser as I don’t drink.

I’m trying al-anon’s detached love as well as the efforts from my DVIP supervisors (who I greatly appreciate). I’ve been successful so far, but I’m really worrying about relapse.

Its tough work tying to change this all, rather than falling back on to abusive behaviours.


One thought on “On being a domestic violence perpetrator and living with an alcoholic

  1. I liked it only because I am proud to read your commitment in being better. This is my opinion on the whole thing, your title actually sums it all up. They say that no matter the problem or addiction, in your case abusive behavior, in your wife’s case alcoholism, you should really try to stay away from whatever triggers or can trigger the behavior. Unfortunately for both of you, you are each others triggers. Her alcoholism is a huge trigger to your abusive behavior…your abusive behavior might trigger her drinking more. Now as for ownership, you both have to be proactive at that. Just like you are learning that regardless of her behaviour you have the option to not become abusive. It takes work but it’s very much possible. I think she has to learn to have ownership in her alcoholism and try to change it as you are. I think it’s the best way for you to both be successful in trying to achieve a healthy relationship. I’m no expert, probably should keep my opinions to myself, but I felt compelled to give you my thoughts. You are more than welcomed to tell me to fuck off..I would understand. But again, happy to see your efforts.

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