Initiating sex in an LTR, how to do it with respect and how not to be a grouch when you don’t get it.

Married couple sex is a bit of a bugger, personal desires, mismatches in sex drives, children and everything else gets in the way of it. DW, my wife and I are very sexual creatures, we average a sexual event (regular or oral) on average 200ish times per year, not withstanding her periods, which take a week to ten days out of every month. If you add in the snogging, tickling naked in bed, groping, naked fondling and other sexualised activities that don’t end up with genital activity then we’re pretty much daily.

That all sounds pretty good from a horny, “I’m getting some perspective”, yet there is a mismatch in our sex drives which does cause contention. Prior to us getting involved DW had a lot of issues with former boyfriends as they weren’t as interested in sex as she was. Then we got together and at first she found my higher sex drive to be just right for her, it did away with the guilt she felt about wanting it more than her former partners.

It’s hard to describe my own sex drive as I always appear to be wanting it. I’m woken by my morning glory at half five and the thing is as I get older it’s more troublesome, I seem to have the opposite of erectile dysfunction as I get older (OK it is an erectile dysfunction as I’m pretty sure most men aren’t woken by a throbbing, rock hard cock every morning). The moment I see DW naked in the morning I’m aroused again, when ever I think of her during the day and the evenings are just, well again its difficult to describe. At night in bed as soon as I touch her skin I’m rock hard again.

I get the feeling its becoming tiresome for her and if someone was always pestering me for sex… well I don’t know, as I’ve never been with anyone who outstripped it and made me feel uncomfortable that I wasn’t up for it.

The point I’m trying to get to is to find away to do the whole sex thing with respect. There doesn’t seem to be a script or playlist that I can use to initiate sex without feeling like I’m pestering her. My idealised vision is that automatically we fall into bed and fuck like horny, crazed monkeys or make love in a passionate powerful way and that we finish satisfied and glowing. Hmmmm! rather naive of me.

I notice that in a lot of the sex surveys you have the question regarding frequency but not how do you initiate? It’s not about clearing the schedule, by 9:30 the kids are in bed and we’re relaxing. It’s not about showing your desire, frequently we snuggle up to one another give each other a squeeze and tell each other how sexy the other one is and snog, we talk, we’re honest and we enjoy each others company (somehow I make DW piss herself laughing on a daily basis – I don’t actually think I’m saying anything funny other than my general observations). Also it’s not about buying new knickers (as The Frisky says). 1: I go commando all the time, so DW thinks its weird when I have pants on. 2: I’m a bloke and hawt lingerie for men is non existent or just a little bit weird (A mesh cock sleeve isn’t for me) 3: I have a lingerie fetish so buying new knickers for DW, is the norm so not an event that says “hey let’s get jiggy”.

It is about language though, I have notjced that I use the word fuck, shag, sex and jiggy rather than the more passionate Mills and Boone-esque wording, perhaps I should read some of DW novels and use the language in them.

Anyway, so how do you ask you significant other for sex, in a respectful, non demonstrative, caring way or how do you like your partner to say is showing care, dignity and respect.


5 thoughts on “Initiating sex in an LTR, how to do it with respect and how not to be a grouch when you don’t get it.

  1. I think that …. when you are in a relationship you have your own language, your own understanding of when the other is looking to have sex…sometimes, most times, no words are needed for one to know…..I don’t think I really mind how its asked of me, as long as its understanding of me….I can count the times, maybe 3 or 4 times in 10 years that ive ever said no, or not right now…..I just rarely ever do…either way, back to your question, I think there is no proper way to ask your significant other, but at some point you just start to understand when its wanted…as for my husband he is always respectful about it, but there have been times when he will just say, hey turn around and let me get some, if im not totally in the mood….and I have no problem complying….soooo……don’t know if I answered your question…lol 🙂

    • I think you’re right, there is no proper way. Today for example, DW rings me, we’re chatting she says ” ooo, the wind just blew my skirt right up”
      I say ” sure you want to say that to me… You know the effect that a flash up your skirt does to me”
      She replies “yeh of course, don’t you want sex tonight”

      So you’re right it’s our own personal language, I’m just wrapped up a bit in ‘respect’ currently as I’m doing DVIP, anger management and better parenting classes. The group supervisors say and do X in a respectful way and then don’t define what a respectful way is. I’m not quite one for saying “Please ma’am, may I respectfully indulge in nice and satisfying intercourse with your good self” rather than “hey hotty, look how hard you’ve made me, lets go and get naked”. One extreme to another. Changing the way you think is hard.

      • Well I think its up to your wife to decide what she finds respectful or offensive…and hey, she might not find your approach disrespectful at all….and then you are fine my dear….I think that can only be defined within each other.

      • Just to follow up. DW would like the Mills and Boone-esque romance except the times when she would prefer the more baser behaviour. Much like we have now but modifying my language so there is less use of swear words. That’s 60% of my vocabulary gone in one fell swoop

      • Lol….ah but that’s not too bad…a little modification compared to completely having to change… you see your wife likes how you woo her… 🙂

Comments are closed.