The longer you live with an active alcoholic who is in denial about their disease, the more you realise the selfishness of it.
Yesterday for example, I was having a seriously difficult time with my children, my eldest’s behaviour, her hyperactivity, her defiant attitude and her non stop verbal diarrhoea wears me out.
I get home tired, frazzled, angry trying to control the temper and I go and sit quietly in the kitchen winding down. I’m within metres of the winning line, I’m starting to get pleased that I’ve got home without yelling at the kids.
In storms my wife from work, she knows already what my journey has been like, yet now she’s hyper, talking nineteen-to-the-dozen, not aware of me. Her mannerisms belie the fact she’s been slurping up neat alcohol on the way home. After years of it you recognise the mannerisms that show that she’s been drinking.
Again we heading for a hellish evening, the children say something, she snaps back, snappy and sharp. I’m not getting involved as I’ll loose my temper with everyone. My eldest comes up to me and asks if mummy’s been drinking again, I tell her I’m not the one to ask.
I know that my wife has been drinking, she wants sex and won’t see reason that it’s inappropriate with the children awake and hyper. When she’s sober she’s sensible when I try to have sex when the children are like this.
There is tension in the house, everyone is on a knife edge. We’re all calm yet we are seconds away from the red button being pushed.
When she’s drunk she’s clumsy, knocks and spills things because she has little spacial awareness and has the twitchy fingered tardive dyskinesia (not really just a way tondescribe behaviour) that you see with fidgety drunks, her voice is slurred and she’s in full denial mode.
I don’t want to listen to her, I’ve had two hours of being stuck in the middle of running squabbles. I don’t want her to erupt at a small slight from the children and the evening gets turned into hell with unhappy upset children.
If only she could watch herself, see her self centred selfishness about drinking, wind down some how as all the alcohol serves to do is to drop her inhibitions and be a naval gazing tosspot. Why bring the work shit home and lump it on me, I don’t want to know anymore as there is little support I can give other than to listen. Tonight I didn’t listen and she never noticed just droned on about stuff.
Work is boring, it’s immensely boring. I worked non stop for 28 years before becoming a stay at home dad. It’s not as though she brings inspired motivational I’ve had a killer day at work and I’m enthusiastic.
Drunks are so negative, they want everything to be doom and gloom to give a justification of their “right” to drink. Has anyone ever met a happy alcoholic? No you don’t because by the time they are so settled into their self centred disease all the happiness has gone from their souls and has been replaced by alcohol justification mechanisms.