Schlepping two hyperactive defiant children gets you down. I have to take a quite an awkward way home now, to avoid my eldest daughters “best friend”. I liked this boy at first, he and my daughter shared a common interest in minecraft and gaming. Until that is I started to realise that his behaviour was disturbing.
Sadly, my daughter doesn’t quite get why I don’t want them to play and I don’t know how to explain it in simplistic terms to an eight year old, that his behaviour is tantamount to abusive.
I find the strain and loneliness of parenting to be getting to me. Last night my wife accused me of being drunk in front of a social worker, because I’m so tired and stressed by getting them too and from school.
I have no help, no one to turn to, no one who will listen to me and go “there there, it’ll sort itself out – here’s a nice bowl of chicken soup”.
Living in the east end and schlepping ky kids to a jewish school, past all the masjids and madrassas with two young girls sporting a star of David stresses me no end. All I need at this moment is for someone to say something uncalled for in front of my sprogs and I’ll snap and do something regrettable.
My eldest daughter, as I pointed out above is very very unhappy with me, Saturday she had all internet & gaming privileges taken away for a week because of the was she treated her younger sister (she attacked her much in the same way as this boy). tomorrow I’m seeing the head teacher about ensuring separation. I’ve mentioned to the teacher and TA’s but somehow in the mess of an English State education system my voice doesn’t get heard.
So today I’m feeling very drawn, my eyes feel like ten days straight in the Sinai, my knees feel like a 20k run in full kit and I’ve got no one to have a laugh with, no one to chillax and kick down with. No one I can be a different person with and not be the angry miserable daddy, who says no, calm down, be polite, don’t do that, look left and right when crossing the road. I’m washed out.
When my wife gets home she’ll start drinking and talking at me, behaving much like the children. Talking non stop at me asking questions not listening to answers and I’m knackered after a tiresome schlep home.
I feel so alone, I have no time to myself, a ton of obligations to the family, school and (someone else’s) work. I have no friends, no mates, nothing if I want to do something then either my wife comes with me or I can’t get someone to look after the kids.
I need people to hang out with with similar interests and sense of humour (if you scooby through my blog you’ll see it’s technology, fashion, lingerie and fucking). Having said what I just did that looks like a very dangerous path.
Four years ago, my wife was going through similar issues and I signed her up for burlesque classes, so she could get out and about. The “controller” in me booked the classes and said here you go, get out, get sexy, have a laugh. I have no confidence that if I did the same for myself I’d be presented with a shit load of grief. The last time I went out by myself she got shitfaced at home with the kids and got jealous about who I talked too.
I’m very down, I have no fun, I nearly had some on Sunday when I went to a job faire, but because of difficulties at home I had to cut it short and annoyingly I was having quite a bit of interest in employing me, except since then my wife and children are telling me how much they “love” having me at home as it’s more “settled”, I think anyone reading this would realise that I’m any thing but settled and I wouldn’t call myself happy and fulfilled. Yet isn’t this life supposed to be settled, happy and fulfilling raising a family and managing them successfully into a future.
Meh! I’m an ungrateful shit, don’t have to work to get money and I can sit in front of the TV all day. Fuck my life.