This week has been shitty, we’re going in all the wrong directions. DW’s drinking is escalating as such we fuck more as it becomes a way for her to deflect from our bigger problems, which haven’t gone away but have become more manageable, but it’s a knife edge.
I don’t actually have to be part of her problems, I can walk away from them, we all have that capacity. Most of our problems, money etc. have her name on them, I walk out and I have no legal obligation to her debts, the house or even the children as I could be absolutely unreasonable and manipulate the situation to my own ends.
Not a very ethical or moral way to think. I think that a problem shared gives more support to the originator and gives some way to ease the path to a solution. I dunno what’s going on in my wife’s head at this moment, but I think we are seeing an escalation of her drinking and her madness.
But then we’re seeing an escalation of my control freakery and my madness. So we’re pretty much in a similar place, except I’ll be open and honest (that’s why I write this shit in an attempt to confront myself) and she’ll be closed and dishonest.
So now I confront myself, I am an abuser, I hit rockbottom this weekend, when I caught my elder daughter emotionally abusing her sister. Today I have yet another DVIP programme to start, god that makes me sound like a chronic abuser. Well I am, because so far I haven’t found an effective way to change myself.
But the change really has come from seeing my daughters behaviour, she has that from me, she’s mimicking me, she’s not even 9 years old.
This poor child is a victim of failures, I’ve asked organisations like Norwood for help, but they, like all organisations like this, whether jt’s police, social services, child services. They will only do something if a major crime has occurred. They are reactive reactionaries and it is a disgrace that so much of our tax money only serves to supply the punishment, not the support structures to prevent crimes occurring.
A good old stitch in time.
So today is the start of my journey to turn this around, I would love for my wife to join me hand in hand and enthusiastically commit to being part of the solution, in her small way she did last night by only drinking four pints and not getting totally shitfaced drunk.
Today, is a major acid test, Mondays are her traditional cant cope drinking day, we have a numbed of minor issues, such as getting the rent money together, hopefully she gets paid today.
A would love for her to participate in this blog, a way to brain dump without explicitly talking to me, she actually has full access and reads it from time to time.
I’m hoping that from today we start to see a bigger sea change than we have had. I don’t know why it got to this in the first place.