Advanced bad parenting – a class in bribery and deception.


“Eat your salad and fruit and you need to take this folic acid tablet.”

High pitched squeaky “no”.

Me (louder and sterner) “eat the salad and fruit and take the tablet”

High pitched squeaky “No, I haaaaate green food”

Me (close to end of tether) “EAT IT”

“No, I hate you,”

At that point I inwardly collapse, as this is escalating to a nuclear stand off.

I walk away, fume open a kitchen cupboard and see Betty, sitting there. She’s been tantalising the girls for a while now. I’ve resisted the requests for cookie dough, I always thought there was something really wrong about it.

I look at the folic acid that has to be taken (DD1 is on a course of methetrexate a chemo drug). I think about the Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough Dynamo and think, fuck it I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. She’s got to take it, she has to eat the salad and fruit.

I crush the folic acid, I grab Betty and tear into her,  I whip her it’s a blob of beige gloop.

If you eat your fruit and salad, you can have a dollop of this (all said through gritted teeth).


Salad scoffed,
Fruit scoffed.

Betty now is in her hands, she’s ecstatic, she’s got one over on daddy. He’s a shit soft touch, he tries to cajole, prevaricate, basically beg for good behaviour. The alternative would be a thermo nuclear exchange of titanic proportions that would do no one any good.

I try Betty myself and I’m hooked, I think my favourite coffee icecream with cream nuggets of Betty’s insane richness. I dislike myself for a moment and justify it with infrequent extreme diplomacy to prevent thermo-nuclear war.

Thank you Betty, a good and bad resolution. I wonder how many problems can Betty cure.