Two (very) large rums and a pint of larger, tsk! – an admission.

I have a varicose vein in my balls, what a marvellous thing to have (sarcasm&irony), I never knew you could get such a thing, the “fix” for it is amputation… what an absolute bugger eh! (Sorry world, one is rather terribly drunk and reverting to type). It beggars belief that such a thing exists, and oh! my lord does it hurt. If I have forgone ejaculation for greater than three days, the pain is quite indescribable.

For the male reader, consider that your feeling quite horny, you partner is damn sexy and looking rather sultry and you start to get that “blue balls” tingly feeling in your scrotum, the hairs are standing on end, then an unseen, invisible creature take one of your testicles in hand and very slowly starts to squeeze very very hard, to the point that you think the bloody thing is going to pop. Well that’s what a  varicose in your vas deferens (the tube that carries the cum to your cock) feels like. Mine is just at the point where the “duct” joins the testicle, so it doesn’t allow the free flow of material away from the testicle into the body.

For god sake, doctors need to learn to explain slightly better than that. What a damn palaver eh! So I’ve undergone ultrasound and an X-ray and general medical rummaging. I have to admit I felt rather sorry for the poor young woman who had to perform the ultrasound, it must have been severely unpleasant for her to slap on the gel (which is fucking cold) and then ask me to lift and separate ones tackle. It was hellish, I’m lying there exposed and she bears an uncanny resemblance to my wife when we married, red hair, curves, bit freckly. I took one look at her and though “you look just like DW when we went on our Tunisian holiday” and I think about DW and I can feel things moving and she’s being clinical and on goes the gel. Phew.

Now the lady who did the X-ray would best be described as matronly, she was quite “jolly hockey sticks” and quite, well, I don’t know how one say this, forward. She gets every thing sorted and then as the X-ray is performed, says “uuummph! rather sizable” and I’m thinking what the hell is going on down there.

So then it’s a visit to the consultant a rather portly Hindi gentleman who would prefer to be anywhere other than talking to me about how to unfuck my fucked up bollocks. I’ve got basically one of two choices, “put up and shut up” or chop it off, sadly there is little that can be done to de-fuck the teeny tiny valve in my bollocks, that let the cum flood out.

Thank fuck we have the NHS, how fucking much would that have cost in the US.