A home spa weekend for my wife’s bits, she’ll laugh her socks off and tell me to bugger off

How I copped a load of this earlier today. wtf WTF WTF WTFF!!!!!!!

Lisa Palmer’s DIY vajacial
Mix in a plastic bowl:
• One teaspoon of coconut oil (kills bacteria and moisturises skin)
• One teaspoon of vitamin E cream (conditions skin and prevents signs of ageing)
• One teaspoon of honey (contains antioxidants to slow ageing)
• One egg white (tightens and improves texture of skin)

Heat the mix in a microwave for 20 seconds and then apply to the vagina following a vaginal steam. (serious WTF-ery here can you imaging the shit storm when this goes wrong – biatch cooked mi tuppence).

Leave in place for 15 minutes and remove mix using rose water.

Lisa suggests performing the facial every day for seven days to begin with and then once a week with a combination of pelvic floor exercises.

So shall I set to in the kitchen and prep up a Va-Spa-Jaycel for this this weekend.

I can just envision the bakery mess that coconut oil, honey and egg white (can I substitute cum I wonder) nuked in a microwave would produce, add the vit E cream season with salt and pepper and slap on freshly steamed London free range quim.

DW would piss herself laughing at me if I suggested this, throw in a bit of meditative minge massage and tantric twatery and clit cleansing and I’ve got my very own start-up, take it to a VC and sell the whole shebang onto Virgin Spa’s just in time for the market to plummet.

I like massaging oily stuff into DW clit and pussy folds but I think good old Vaseline or E45 is just as good as the recipe above (may be with a dollop of hot fresh spunk for good measure – it’s supposed to have restorative properties).

Anyway, how shallow and stupid is this. How did she come up with the idea, a rejection by a young stud and she navel gazed her own pussy and in a flash of introspective stupidity blamed the age of her own vagina.

Sorry love, men don’t think like that, unless your legs akimbo on some contraption, men don’t really have a visual on your lippy bits. The cock may have an eye but no seeing gets done with it. I feel sorry for the other women who will buy into this, like with any beauty therapy, cosmetic surgery or change quick scheme, it’s the psyche that bears the issue not part of your body.

Now imagine the kerfuffle if I walked into zupercute beauty salon and asked Toniya to buff my bellend and make it 25 years younger (I’m nearly 50). BTW I want you to use a mixture of food stuffs, commercially manufactured ointment and a steam gun. All this will make my tawrdy hampton wick look sooooo much better and it’ll be mistaken for that of a man a generation younger than me.

The rest of the package ain’t so good but Dorian Grey’s cock defies aging (allusion to the Oscar Wilde story there). Would a casual 20 year old in a boozer down Hoxton on a Friday evening be impressed and want to take a spin on it. No. It’s the last thing they’ll see, plus the following morning twitter would be ablaze with dirty old fuck nick young studs cock. Soon the plods and the Daily Mail would be hammering on my door.

Eear! Mr. Autosoma, where did you get that cock, we require you to answer some questions regarding passing off aged genitalia to a young woman.

Some days I think the world is quite sadder than I think


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