Dear USA, the offside rules dead simple

If I’m going for goal with the ball, one of my team mates can’t be between the goalie and the defender closest to the goalie.

Simple, there always should be two opposition close to the goal line.

Of course things get shirty depending on who’s looking from where and what the ref sees…

Ok there was a change a while back, that is if my team mate isn’t actively in play, meaning he’s rolling on the ground screaming like a little girl cos someone flicked his ear. He’s not in play. If he’s calling the opposition crowd a bunch of wankers, he’s not in play. If he’s posing for a touchline photo, he’s not in play. Actually, he should be kicked of the team for being a shit. But he’s not in play.

Hold on a mo, if the ref thinks I’m interfering with an opposition player, like I’ve got my hand down his shorts giving him a quick one off the wrist, then I’m offside.

Now this is where it gets really tricky, if I’ve taken a shot at goal and it rebounds off the bar, post or goalies face, and I capture the ball and shoot again I’m offside.

Remember, this is all down to the interpretation of the ref during the match, so make sure he has a bung first.