Today, started off OK, I dropped the kids off at school, then went to the Royal London in Whitechapel (its still a shithole) to drop off a letter to the Dental Hospital. They said it would take over a fortnight for them to process it and get back to us. By the time they try to contact us we will be technically homeless.
I then had to do some shopping, bought a couple of school uniforms for DD1 as she growing out of her current ones. Then to Iceland to get some food for the family, came to £27. I had to pop a fiver on my oyster to get into zone two and back. Got ten cigarettes, later on I have to stump up for after school club around six pounds. It all starts to mount up.
Later on I have to do the schlep to pick up the kids from school, I hope my eldest is in a good mood, I can’t deal with her when she gets demanding or stroppy, because she’s tired or hungry. I don’t know how to deal with kids, I want them to be orderly and disciplined and listen to me. My eldest does none of that, she’s demanding, whiney and headstrong all at the same time and its bloody difficult.
Next week I’m seeing a social worker from an NGO who is going to help me with the strengthening families stuff. I hope I can get my head around it.
I feel very alone at the moment, I’ve got so much to do, managing money, managing the children, worrying about becoming homeless. I have to go and talk to a number of housing services in several boroughs to see what can be done, I seem to bleed money all the time. Most of all I feel like I’m gripped by inertia, I had a go at my wife, because I tried to ring her and as always she doesn’t answer, I find it immensely frustrating.
I was brought up with a deep sense of obligation and family comes first. Over the last few years, I’ve supported my wife at the cost of myself. I don’t want to be the stay at home parent, yet when I’ve been working her neediness has had to trump my obligations.
I would just like her to do two things, listen to me and support me. I get neither, I’m so worried about what is going to happen in the next 30 days that I don’t know where to start.
We’re missing paying bills, we’re often late with the rent, we are at rock bottom. I worry about the effect all of this will have on the children. I want someone to hold my hand and guide me through the next few months.