Difficulties in a marriage, when both parents are disengaged

My wife and I have become pretty much disengaged, we look after the children well enough, but we’ve become rather disengaged about the general management of family life.

We had a three day weekend, yet we achieved no good for the family as a whole. Saturday was a lost day with cheder, Sunday was a lost day with a birthday party and Monday was lost by having to go to a park. We have constant demands for entertainment from our children. There is no let up from then when it comes to demands. Toys, playparks, softplay on and on and on.

Today, I’ve done little, my wife is supposed to be helping me with a possible business venture, but she made no mention of it at all this weekend. She pretty lousy when it comes to doing stuff, for nine months now she’s supposed to have contacted the bank for a replacement card. The branch is 100 metres from the door of her office,she walked past it three times so far today. Can she remember to go in and ask, no.

I don’t know if its indolence, stupidity or what, she seems to have absolutely no internal todo list mechanism. The fall out from last year, where I spent a lot of time trying very hard to keep our heads above water, whilst she was undergoing sabotage missions with drinking and debt, has finally ended up with total disengagement on my part. I’ve got to the point where I no longer really care and see no reason for effort on my part as it’s not just “unappreciated” by the family, they do nothing to buy into being engaged.

I don’t understand why my wife behaves the way she does, it’s a Janus kind of behaviour, one face agrees with all the point that I raise, the other face acts against them. I don’t trust her at all anymore, while I was ranting at her yesterday, I could see this little distant smile on her face, the kind you get when someone is having a go at you and you start thinking to yourself, wouldn’t it be nice if I was with x, x wouldn’t say these things to me.

This is one of the sad things about marriage and children and how affairs begin, the person starts to think that the grass is greener with someone else, and it always is at the beginning of any relationship. We suspend our poor behaviours in favour of “better” ones so that the correspondent has a better picture of us.

When I first got together with DW I asked for an open relationship, she took that to mean swinging rather than transparent and honest. She didn’t seek clarification, rather kept her assumption to herself. This really was the start of the downfall.

I shouldn’t have used a term that could be misrepresented, she shouldn’t have had an assumption.  That’s the way its been ever since, misunderstandings and assumptions, with a side order hiding stuff so that the other partner doesn’t think “bad” of us.

Well all the damage has been done, there is no trust in our marriage, despite DW belief that there is. There is no honesty, not that there was much to begin with. There is little point in putting in any effort as one sabotages the other.

Here we see a perfect environment, for destroying the psyche of our children and perpetuating poor behaviour through the generations.

Advertisements