DW and I have very different sexual wants. Just because I want sex more frequently and at different times, doesn’t mean that intimacy shouldn’t exist.
I’ve often read on mumsnet, how spouses are complaining, “I haven’t had it in x years”. There are certain caveats and mitigations that let out of posts like that. Moreover, they are one-sided and miss a lot of relevant information.
When someone complains its once a month, the problem isn’t with your partner, its with you. A this point, you need to under go a process to discover, what it that your partner wasn’t and how you can move to a negotiated place that suits you both. This is when honesty becomes imperative.
Also, its not something you can leave, time sets habits and once you’ve gone past a year of no intimacy, then there are much bigger problems, than not getting an on demand fuck.
Too often a man gets cocksure and thinks that he’s just hornier than his partner or buys into stepford literature and thinks women just don’t want it as much also respect that the inverse is also the case, that your partner want more sex than you do.
Frankly, it boils down to something as simple as this, if you want more, what do you have to do to make your partner want more. If you want hire productivity, you have to find ways to encourage employees to be more productive without bullying and creating resentment. The same applies to a sexlife between partners.
DW and I get intimate four to five days in the week, except during her period which is non negotiable. Some weeks it may drop to twice a week, generally this is due to stress, tiredness and illness.
We learned to make time for intimacy during DW cancer treatment, part of getting better from a life altering illness like breast cancer, is knowing that your partners emotions towards you haven’t changed and that intimacy is still there.
Another part is to understand what your partner likes and does not like. DW does not like anal play at all, I like it a lot. There’s no point trying to force her, it will make her want to do it less. We’ve tried all the “instructions” lots of lube, be relaxed, but if it hurts it hurts. We have problems with vaginal intercourse, if she’s not aroused and we’ve used lubricant.
That caused us problems at first once the first bloom of being horny for each other and we settled into the regular birth, school, work death mundanity of marriage, work and children. It meant I had to change my expectation that she was “up for it” all the time. I couldn’t just jump on top as she felt like she was being ripped.
As an aside, when the midwife started to stitch up DW after the birth of DD1, she applied the standard Nigerian stereotype of white wester couples and said as she started, “don’t worry I’ll make sure hubby is happy” and stitched DW smaller. That caused DW a lot of pain once she was healed.
I had to adjust what I was doing, so that she she could find her path back to enjoying it. There are also the external factors outside of the bedroom, hidden stressors that can affect the way in which you are intimate with one another.
DW went through an intense stress period when she got into financial trouble, which she was hiding from the family, because her thoughts were troubled and she was stressed from the hiding of it, it decreased her libido. When I found out and participated in helping her sort the problems out.
That is the primary key to increasing your partners sex drive, discover what their libido is, discover where the enjoyment parts are and focus on them to bring it closer in alignment to your needs.
Learn to discover what you can “give up” to become better aligned. Anal play is off the table for us, but we have more frequent sex.