One of the things I’ve realised about alcoholics I’s that the term sober means something entirely different to them. For me to sober up, means to basically get a grip on thing, pull your socks up and be realistic. To an alcoholic in the midst of drinking I’m not sure if it has any meaning at all, other than the pretence put on to cover what they are doing.
Don’t get me wrong, a recovering alcoholic, see the word in an entirely different light from those, like myself are indifferent to alcohol, or the drinking alcoholic. In some respects the English language is a bit limiting, there needs to be a word that differentiates an actual drinking alcoholic, with someone who uses the word to remind themselves not to not quit not drinking (fuck that’s a convoluted sentence). In maths, there are three terms prefix notation, infix notation and postfix notation,an example:
+1.75 3.26 prefix means the same as.
1.75 + 3.26 infix and is the same as.
1.75 3.26 +
There is the pre alcoholism phase, the in alcoholism phase and the post alcoholism phase. Many recovering and recovered alcoholics will use the word alcoholic. Its complicated, the whole thing with alcohol is so bloody complicated. Not just for the alcoholic, but for every one she is in contact with, especially for the nearest and dearest.
I don’t really know where to start with my journey through life with alcoholics. Both my parents were, so I believe that I’ve missed the gene for alcoholism (and I recognise that that is a debatable point, which I wont participate in).
I grew up with a passionate hatred of alcoholics, especially ones like my parents, who died still in the depths of alcohol misuse, both from complications of the illnesses that alcohol wrought on their bodies.
So, with that in mind, I married a woman who has little or no self control over drinking. So here I am. Its so difficult to forgive the excesses of her drinking when I am so often reminded. Its difficult to give her trust, when I’m reminded of untrustworthy incidents. I find I am in a constant state of doubt over the veracity of what she says.
I want to stop being that cat on a hot tin roof, stepping cautiously, hoping not to get too badly burn (again). There is the usual mumsnet option LTB, but I do love her. It can be argued that we are co-dependant and I would probably agree. Inside I probably believe that alcohol is her one true love and I get in the way. That sort of suits my own view, as there was never any love with my parents.
I hope she understands that never again can we go through the lies and deceit that we have gone through, I’m tired of all of this. The anger that I feel, I’ve had enough of it.