Depression is creeping up on me again

I can feel the black dog of depression stalking me again. I really don’t feel that engaged with the world around me. After I’ve dropped the kids, I’ll go home a vegetate on the sofa.

I was snarly at DW last night, because I suspected she’d had a sneaky drink on the way home, her behaviour and odour made me think that was the case. I don’t think the large majority of people realise the problems that living with someone who has drink issues is like.

Alcohol abuse destroys any form of trust that you can have for the person with the drink problem. You see it spawns lies, the drinker knows that it’s not good or appropriate behaviour and spins up lies because of that. It’s the dichotomy of modern society, we’re bombarded with two sets of information. Alcohol is bad for one, and alcohol makes you a “more fun” person on the other.

I don’t have any sympathy for alcoholics, my parents and step-parents were alcoholics. It’s annoying when people trot out that alcoholism is a disease, the symptoms of long term alcohol poisoning may appear to have disease like symptoms, but the long term use of alcohol is the choice of the user.

Willpower, self-awareness and awareness of others can all nip alcohol use in the bud. The World Health Organisation does not classify alcohol as addictive, because the element of addiction affects 30% of society and the amount of time it takes to develop an addiction, is much longer than drugs that are considered to be addictive.

My complains about DW and her use of alcohol, is that she does not comprehend what she must do to make it “better” for the family. She needs to find the way to atone for it and what to say to make us believe that she has got over the worst of her drink problem. 

I could tell her what to say and do, but that removes the power of self discovery. All that would happen if I told her is that she’d trot out the script over and over again whether she’d been drinking or not. As it’s easier to follow a script than to be situationally aware. Last night for example, I asked if she’d been drinking, it was the same old tired phrases that I’ve heard time and time again, most they are used to cover up that she has been drinking.

It does sadden me that a grown woman is so wrapped up in herself, that she won’t take just a little time to discover her wider group, the family, and what our needs are. We have to tolerate her needs (well actually I don’t which is where our interpersonal problems stem from) so why not take a small step in our direction.

You see what I really consider the bigger problem to be, is that alcohol wraps you in cotton-wool and acts as an insulator from problems. Take for example a software bug-tracking system. Users enter bugs (problems) that are then assessed, triaged and dealt with. Alcohol is like the anti-bug-tracker. The problems may enter the system, but are never dealt with because the alcohol insulates you from the act of assessing and fixing.

I don’t like things like AA as well as the never really make someone come to terms with the problem of alcohol by themselves, they have all these other props, such as the twelve steps, you’re told what to do, you’re not making a voyage of self discovery. You have others with you, supposedly sponsoring and mentoring again another way for an alcoholic to divorce themselves from self control. Also, its dressed up in the trappings and catechisms of religion, again allowing a “higher power” to control your actions. Sorry but there is no spiritual higher power, no g-d. The higher power resides in the individual, their willpower, strength of purpose, self control and comprehension of others.