On Books

On Books.
Recently, I’ve taken to reading a lot of pop-psychology, self-help books. My main areas of concern are:

  • Anger Management.
  • Relationship Negotiation.
  • Communication & Negotiation.
  • Habit Formation.
  • Effective Decision Making.
  • Co-Dependency.
  • Alcohol use and misuse.
  • Rage Management.
  • Family Financial Management.

The main reason I’ve undertaken this book marathon is that as a isolated nuclear family, it’s difficult to find out how to deal with problems.

Normally, parents would call on the information and wisdom of their parents or grandparents or the wider family group. But, that’s not necessarily the case in real life. My parents were self-centred, narcissistic and brutal, corrupt alcoholics. In my weltanschaung they are both dead, mainly because I’ve had no contact with them for 30-odd years.

The reason I said about not using extended family for wisdom. I know with my own parents, that their advice would not in my or my family’s best interest. Rather, it would be for their own self agrandissement and to be nasty.

Now on the other hand, DW’s parents are also narcissistic alcoholics, but in a different vein to my parents. The FIL & MIL are sotto-voce nasty, they say the nice things you want to hear, and do the nasty things out of sight. I’m not sure who the quote is attributed to but they are the kind of filthy people who

Drip pretty poison into your ear

Anyway, DW had enough of them when they were evasive about providing child-care. MIL’s minimum wage care-assistant job was too important (and this comes from a pair of show-offs who drive Mercedes – note for the children, do not trust someone who drives a car outside of their means) and FIL wanted to go to the golfclub.

As an aside, during DW’s cancer treatment, MIL who claims to be a Macmillan Cancer Nurse, was too scared of cancer to visit DW THROUGH OUT HER ILLNESS.

So, with that in mind, we have no-one to call on or support us in negotiation and decision making.

As a family our main issues (which in effect caused the year of hell) is an in-ability to come to a conclusion that we both enthusiastically agree with. It got to the point where we no longer communicating our needs and wants and we became evasive with each other over spending. We avoided those difficult conversations, we made excuses and hid the truth of the situation.

This came to a head in June/July of 2013. DW had got herself into a real debt pickle, she was digging a hole deeper and deeper in an effort to dig herself out. In June I found out, B’ezrat Hashem, I got a tax rebate and using that with our joint income we got her out of the debt hole.

But, there was fallout from this. I was so angry that the debt had come about and had been hidden. DW was using alcohol to insulate herself from the problem, so the combination of alcohol misuse and money misuse, cause an irreconcilable difference. I punched her in the face, cutting her eyebrow.

I called the police and emergency service, to have myself arrested and to deal with her injury. Little could we foresee what would come of it.

Social services were called, this was to be our second visit from social services as the independent school had called the a week after the the DDs’ had started. This time a freshly minted, out of university social worker wanting to further her career with a soft touch middle income white-trash, trying to be above their station family. Came around and was a total idiot.

She, put our children on a child protection plan, not realising it would bring DW and myself closer together to fight the common enemy.

We had both ends of the spectrum, independent school and social services. What I have learned from all this is that people in those organisations only serve there own interests. Just like the MIL & FIL they pretend to have our best interests at heart, but really they only serve their own interests.