Recently, I’ve taken to reading a lot of pop-psychology, self-help books. My main areas of concern are:
- Anger Management.
- Relationship Negotiation.
- Communication & Negotiation.
- Habit Formation.
- Effective Decision Making.
- Alcohol use and misuse.
- Rage Management.
- Family Financial Management.
The main reason I’ve undertaken this book marathon is that as a isolated nuclear family, it’s difficult to find out how to deal with problems.
Normally, parents would call on the information and wisdom of their parents or grandparents or the wider family group. But, that’s not necessarily the case in real life. My parents were self-centred, narcissistic and brutal, corrupt alcoholics. In my weltanschaung they are both dead, mainly because I’ve had no contact with them for 30-odd years.
The reason I said about not using extended family for wisdom. I know with my own parents, that their advice would not in my or my family’s best interest. Rather, it would be for their own self agrandissement and to be nasty.
Now on the other hand, DW’s parents are also narcissistic alcoholics, but in a different vein to my parents. The FIL & MIL are sotto-voce nasty, they say the nice things you want to hear, and do the nasty things out of sight. I’m not sure who the quote is attributed to but they are the kind of filthy people who
Drip pretty poison into your ear
Anyway, DW had enough of them when they were evasive about providing child-care. MIL’s minimum wage care-assistant job was too important (and this comes from a pair of show-offs who drive Mercedes – note for the children, do not trust someone who drives a car outside of their means) and FIL wanted to go to the golfclub.
As an aside, during DW’s cancer treatment, MIL who claims to be a Macmillan Cancer Nurse, was too scared of cancer to visit DW THROUGH OUT HER ILLNESS.
So, with that in mind, we have no-one to call on or support us in negotiation and decision making.
As a family our main issues (which in effect caused the year of hell) is an in-ability to come to a conclusion that we both enthusiastically agree with. It got to the point where we no longer communicating our needs and wants and we became evasive with each other over spending. We avoided those difficult conversations, we made excuses and hid the truth of the situation.
This came to a head in June/July of 2013. DW had got herself into a real debt pickle, she was digging a hole deeper and deeper in an effort to dig herself out. In June I found out, B’ezrat Hashem, I got a tax rebate and using that with our joint income we got her out of the debt hole.
But, there was fallout from this. I was so angry that the debt had come about and had been hidden. DW was using alcohol to insulate herself from the problem, so the combination of alcohol misuse and money misuse, cause an irreconcilable difference. I punched her in the face, cutting her eyebrow.
I called the police and emergency service, to have myself arrested and to deal with her injury. Little could we foresee what would come of it.
Social services were called, this was to be our second visit from social services as the independent school had called the a week after the the DDs’ had started. This time a freshly minted, out of university social worker wanting to further her career with a soft touch middle income white-trash, trying to be above their station family. Came around and was a total idiot.
She, put our children on a child protection plan, not realising it would bring DW and myself closer together to fight the common enemy.
We had both ends of the spectrum, independent school and social services. What I have learned from all this is that people in those organisations only serve there own interests. Just like the MIL & FIL they pretend to have our best interests at heart, but really they only serve their own interests.
- Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition
Patterson, Kerry, Grenny, Joseph, McMillan, Ron, Switzler, Al
- He Wins, She Wins: Learning the Art of Marital Negotiation
Harley Jr., Willard F.
- Anger, Rage and Relationship: An Empathic Approach to Anger Management
Hall, Sue Parker
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
Faber, Adele, Elaine Mazlish
- The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do, and How to Change
- HOME FINANCES for COUPLES. Resolve Money Problems in Marriage and Learn Easy Steps to Manage your Family Budget
- NOT “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Glass, Shirley, Staeheli, Jean Coppock
- The Turmoil of Someone Else’s Drinking
- Living With An Alcoholic Woman
- The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
- The Selfish Pig’s Guide To Caring: How to cope with the emotional and practical aspects of caring for someone
- Stop Arguing, Start Talking: The 10 Point Plan for Couples in Conflict (Relate) Quilliam, Susan
- What’s your Financial Game Plan?: Book 1 in the Brad & Adam series (Brad and Adam Series)
- Marriage Counseling: Sex, Secrets & Lies; The Things Couples Rarely Talk About (Couples Therapy)
Nardi, Rivka, Nardi, Chen
- How to Change Your Drinking: a Harm Reduction Guide to Alcohol (2nd ed.)
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
- Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism
Milam, James Robert, Ketcham, Katherine
- Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol
- Turnabout: New Help for Woman Alcoholic
- The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It
- How to Live with an Alcoholic and Survive
- Overcoming Anger and Irritability: A Books on Prescription Title
- Life Without Jealousy: A Practical Guide (10 Step Empowerment Series)
- Overcoming Anxiety: A Books on Prescription Title
- Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: A Books on Prescription Title
- How People Tick: A Guide to Over 50 Types of Difficult People and How to Handle Them
- The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships
Apple, Mali, Dunn, Joe
- How To Be Good Parents And Raise Great Kids
- 7 Tips on How to Have a Healthy and Happy Sex Life: Things You Both Can Do to Improve Your Marriage (The Marital Help Series)
- Failure to Communicate: How Conversations Go Wrong and What You Can Do to Right Them
- The Ten Commandments for Business Failure
- Families And How To Survive Them (Cedar Books)
Cleese, John, Skynner, Robin
- Life And How To Survive It
Robin Skynner (Author), John Cleese (Author)
- The Duty Trap: How to Say No When You Feel You Ought to Say Yes [Paperback]
- Assertiveness at Work: A Practical Guide to Handling Awkward Situations [Paperback]
Ken Back (Author), Kate Back (Author)
- Everything Is Negotiable [Kindle Edition]
Gavin Kennedy (Author)
- Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat [Kindle Edition]
Gael Lindenfield (Author)
- The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilised Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t [Paperback]
Robert Sutton (Author)
- I Love You But I’m Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship by Marshall, Andrew G. New Edition (2007) [Paperback]
Andrew G. Marshall (Author)